Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
WINNIPEG, Manitoba — A local man with more convictions than job applications is suing a grocery store after a spontaneous group therapy session with eight employees, a claw hammer, and Canada’s loosest interpretation of a citizen’s arrest left him with long-term injuries and no further interest in hot-wiring vehicles. Try saying that out loud without passing out.
This was probably what the scene looked like before he heard Queen's "Hammer to Fall" start playing. (kalinovsky/depositphotos)
Michael Prince, 36, whose resume includes 17 previous property crimes and an honorary PhD in “Oops, I Did Crime Again,” is now dragging Dino’s Grocery Mart to court. According to his lawsuit, Dino’s staff, plus one guy who just came out for a quick smoke, pulled him out of a car and into a brief but passionate percussion ensemble involving fists, feet, and at least one hammer. Proving once and for all that Dino’s Grocery Mart has better employee teamwork than most NHL franchises. It’s unclear if this was a sanctioned work event or just one of Winnipeg’s newer cultural traditions.
Prince began his two-part criminal odyssey with a bold shoplifting spree, lifting a jacket containing a wallet and a key fob. Rather than calling it a day like a normal kleptomaniac, Prince allegedly went home, rehydrated, probably watched some “Better Call Saul,” and then decided to return 30 minutes later for the matching car.
Unfortunately, the car was blocked in by two other vehicles. Even more unfortunately, he triggered the alarm. Store staff, none of whom had apparently skipped leg day, extracted Prince like a molar and treated him to an unscheduled chiropractic consultation via hammer.
Prince claims he blacked out and awoke mid-parkour a block away, bleeding from places you generally don’t want to bleed from. The police found him by following his personal Hansel-and-Gretel blood trail back to his house, CSI: Bannatyne Edition.
The lawsuit claims Prince now suffers permanent hearing and vision loss, nerve damage, and a lingering soul-crushing realization that he got his ass kicked by the produce department.
Never forget: All good grocery store employees have a hammer handy. (Elanceva/depositphotos)
Prince is suing the store, the owner Rajan Varma, and “John and Jane Doe,” which we can only assume are the pseudonyms of either fellow staff or the names of two hammer-wielding ghosts that haunt the cereal aisle. He is suing for lost wages despite being officially listed as an “unemployed laborer,” which is sort of like suing Uber for lost revenue when your car is on cinder blocks in your mom’s driveway.
Court records make it very clear: Prince is unemployed, traumatized, unable to work, and suing for “loss of joy”. Which, considering that his idea of fun previously involved boosted wallets and impromptu car thefts, raises the question of how much joy there was to begin with.
Meanwhile, Dino’s staff have declined to comment, though insiders claim there’s now an unspoken policy that if you hear a car alarm in the lot, everyone grab a hammer from aisle six.
Court watchers expect the lawsuit to drag on, mostly because the judge can’t stop laughing every time Prince’s lawyer uses the phrase “loss of opportunity.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
