Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
LANCASTER COUNTY, Pa. — A Lebanon County man who spent Saturday morning informing various emergency dispatchers that he was God has been charged with multiple felonies after a crime spree that included robbery, stalking, false fire reports, and a 100mph pursuit that ended when divinity met a Ford F-150 at an intersection. Both vehicles burst into flames. Two people were hospitalized with life-threatening injuries. God, meanwhile, faces 26 criminal charges and an outstanding warrant, which represents remarkably poor decision-making for someone claiming divine omniscience.
Joshua Quinones, 33, of Myerstown, began his divine duties at 5:10 a.m. by calling an unidentified victim with a six-second voicemail stating simply “Meet me at the bridge.” The victim identified Quinones’ voice immediately and did not meet him at any bridge. “Fool me twice,” they said.
Not the divine ending that we wanted… (WGAL)
Twelve minutes later, Quinones called the police to report a house fire with four people trapped inside. Responding crews found no fire, no house matching the description, and no explanation for why an all-knowing deity would need to phone this information in rather than simply preventing the fictional blaze. The incident was logged as a false report, and several firefighters privately questioned whether God would really waste their time like this on a Saturday morning.
At 5:51 a.m., Quinones called Lancaster County-Wide Communications to clarify that he was God, and an unidentified woman was “his queen.” He stated he needed to speak with her before hanging up, suggesting that even infinite cosmic power requires decent cell reception. Court records indicate Quinones had previously pleaded guilty in 2021 to witness intimidation involving the same victim and defiant trespass, charges that predate his apparent ascension to supreme being status by approximately three years.
The Almighty’s earthly errands continued at 6:35 a.m. when Quinones entered the Turkey Hill on North Oak Street in Warwick Township and attempted to purchase a nicotine vape using playing cards. When the clerk declined to accept the King of Diamonds as legal tender, Quinones threatened two employees by forming his hands into the shape of guns. One employee provided the vape, and Quinones departed in a silver Ford Focus, a vehicle not mentioned in any known religious texts.
Twenty minutes later, God robbed the Sheetz on Lititz Pike in Manheim Township using a note that included his own name and a demand for money. The clerk complied, handing over $451 before Quinones fled in the same Ford Focus.
Shortly after the robbery, an officer located Quinones’ vehicle near the intersection of Millport Road and Route 501. The officer activated his emergency lights and sirens, at which point Quinones fled, apparently under the belief that traffic laws do not apply to supreme beings. The officer was ordered to terminate the pursuit by his supervisor, a decision that delayed but did not prevent the coming apocalypse.
Quinones then called Lancaster County-Wide Communications to report that he was being pursued, conveniently allowing dispatchers to track his location. An officer later positioned a patrol vehicle on the double yellow line in an attempt to stop Quinones, who accelerated directly toward the cruiser before swerving away at the last moment. The officer braced for impact and experienced what theologians might describe as a “come to Jesus moment,” though in this case, Jesus was reportedly doing 90 and headed the wrong way.
Pennsylvania State Police joined the pursuit around 7 a.m. as speeds reached over 100 mph along Route 322. Quinones ran a red light and crashed into a green Ford F-150 occupied by a husband and wife at the intersection of Wood Corner Road and Route 322. Both vehicles instantly ignited and burst into flames, an outcome that officials described as “statistically worse than average for Lancaster County intersections” and “not part of any known divine plan.”
Bail has been set at an amount considerably higher than playing cards or nicotine vapes. The charges do not include impersonating a deity, as Pennsylvania law does not specifically prohibit this, though lawmakers are reportedly considering an amendment following feedback from several confused convenience store clerks.
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