This cat recognizes that National Lazy Day is a floating holiday and can be celebrated at any time (Charcoal Soul/Flickr/Creative Commons)
I’m gonna be honest with you; some holidays are completely made up.
National Lazy Day is NOT one of those holidays. National Lazy Day is an extremely real holiday that’s about three times more important than Christmas.
I take National Lazy Day VERY seriously. Each year I get into a half-dozen screaming matches with people who don’t think that National Lazy Day is a real holiday. Although I try to avoid it, sometimes the full-volume screaming escalates into physical violence.
In one memorable instance I was beaten with a model train set.
I can – and have – cut friends and family members out of my life because they questioned the legitimacy of National Lazy Day. It’s the reason my fiancée and I mutually decided to call off our engagement. I woke up one morning to find that she’d moved out while I was asleep. I decided then and there that we should mutually break up.
I just can’t have an emotional connection with a woman who refuses to recognize National Lazy Day.
Laziness doesn't mean an absence of responsibility. This puppy is responsible for a nuclear power plant, but he doesn't care. (Ignacio Andres Yau00f1ez Grandon/Pexels/Creative Commons)
A part-time tarot card reader discovered that the planet was running out of laziness, so she invented National Lazy Day to save reality. If enough people spend an entire day watching Netflix, never changing out of our pajamas, and refusing to check our email, we can create enough laziness to last us the rest of the year.
When I’m getting socked in the face by a visibly drunk cop, I stay positive by reminding myself just how vital National Lazy Day is.
The night before National Lazy Day is a busy one. I quit my job, throw my Apple Watch into a storm drain, and drop my kids off in front of an unmarked building that I assume is some kind of daycare center. Once all of those distractions have been removed, I can get down to being really lazy.
Lots of casual Lazy Day fans would tell you that they order a pizza and watch Netflix, but I’m not like them. I’m a National Lazy Day purist – I don’t do ANYTHING. Watching television is productive, because at the end of the episode you’ve done something. You can’t say the same for staring up at a blank ceiling. If you really want to generate the maximum amount of laziness, you need to lie perfectly still, clear your mind, and STARE.
Once, I was arguing with an Uber Pool passenger about the importance of National Lazy Day, and naturally, I began screaming at them. The screams then became physical, with me using my fists to scream at them in the face and upper torso. One thing lead to another and I was pepper sprayed and thrown from the speeding Uber prior to reaching my destination. As I hung in the air for a long moment, my mind was empty, and I felt a tranquil stillness surrounding me.
This is the essence of laziness.
