Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Here’s the thing about water: There’s nothing inherently cool about it (unless, of course, there’s ice involved). But even though our bodies are at least 50% of the stuff and 71% of the earth is covered by it, there are still tons of companies trying to convince us to buy it. And it’s working! Some corporations rely on the environment to market it, since that’s where it comes from.
Others use exotic-sounding names or locations, like Evian and Fiji, perhaps because some people want what they’re drinking to be more worldly than they are. And then there’s Liquid Death, who are now selling a $500 speaker shaped like a cremation urn.
We're assuming they're listening to "Ashes to Ashes" or perhaps "Dust In The Wind." (Liquid Death)
It’s hard to believe, but Liquid Death hasn’t even existed for ten years yet. The brainchild of a graphic designer who decided there should be a metal/punk-inspired water for people who don’t drink, it’s taken off wildly since 2019 and is known more for its ridiculous marketing stunts than for its water, which tastes remarkably like water.
First, cornering the music festival market, they’ve made some truly ridiculous items that are more viral than practical. How else to explain an enema endorsed by Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker that cost $182? Or more recently, Ozzy Osbourne’s DNA (aka, empty cans of their iced tea that he drank), which was presciently offered just one month before he passed? And now, this speaker.
This new gimmick, called the Eternal Playlist Urn, is in conjunction with the streaming service Spotify. A 7” x 11.4” urn, it has a Bluetooth speaker built into the lid. If and when you purchase the speaker, Spotify asks questions, such as “what’s your eternal vibe” and “what’s your go-to ghost noise?” Along with those prompts and your listening history, it then creates your own “eternal playlist,” syncing to the urn’s speaker. That said, you can do that right now without buying one of the urns.
Sure, $495 is a lot for a Bluetooth speaker, but at least it can hold ashes, right? Potentially, but it’s not meant to. At least it will sound awesome, right? Probably not, since it’s really just the lid that’s the speaker, which likely will make for a tinny listening experience. Of course, that won’t matter if you’re dead. It’s a little bit touching that the music that your dearly departed let shape and inspire their lives could be heard until the end of time, although that’s not what some will have in mind.
Imagine interring someone and driving their cremated selves insane with “Who Let The Dogs Out,” “Baby Shark,” or “Crazy Frog” for all eternity. If you’re never going to stop forgetting about someone, why not just rickroll them with “Never Gonna Give You Up” looped? The possibilities are endless – and quite annoying. If you want to get in on the action in the name of water, you might want to act quickly, since only 150 of these are available. If you’re dying for one for yourself, you can do so here.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
