Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Michael Rapino says concert tickets are “underpriced,” which is bold from a man who once charged $150 to let people stand behind a tree and listen to Coldplay. He made the comments during CNBC’s Game Plan conference held entirely on yachts, presumably after attempting to auction off front-row seats to dumb rich people.
Rapino probably thinks that fan should be charged an extra $100 for being pointed at. (Moffly/depositphotos)
Rapino compared concert pricing to high-end sports seats, saying, “In sports, it’s a badge of honor to spend $70K,” said Rapino, while sharpening his monocle with a Fabergé egg. Rapino predicted a world where paying $800 to see Beyoncé will be considered a charitable act. He also predicted an $18 surcharge for clapping and VIP wristbands that grant access to a slightly better wristband.
Rapino pointed to the average concert ticket price of $72 as proof of affordability, failing to mention that $72 is the price for one seat, located behind a structural pillar, next to a porta-potty, and only available if you correctly guess a three-part CAPTCHA involving fish, traffic lights, and Scrooge McDuck.
He then compared concerts to Lakers games, which is fair since both feature overpriced beer, screaming superfans, and LeBron James refusing to finish “Single Ladies.”
Beyonce from the free throw line… (headlinephotos/depositphotos)
Rapino described Beyoncé’s nightly performance as “a Super Bowl.” Which explains why Ticketmaster has started selling nachos with “surge pricing” and charging $25 for the right to boo the halftime show.
Meanwhile, Live Nation is currently under legal siege from the FTC for alleged collusion, “bait and switch” tactics, and a unique pricing strategy known in industry circles as “triple dipping” although Ticketmaster prefers the term “infinite revenue fountain.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
