Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
UNITED KINGDOM — A man has officially become the fastest human being to operate a garbage receptacle on public roads, a distinction that previously did not exist and arguably still should not. Michael Wallhead of Britain has claimed the Guinness World Record for motorized wheelie bin velocity, besting the previous mark by nearly 10 mph.
It probably looks less silly if you see it actually moving. (Gunness World Records)
Michael Wallhead, who describes his creation as “literally the most rubbish project” he’s worked on, set the Guinness World Record at 55 mph. He has since pushed the bin up to 66 mph, because records are for cowards and terminal velocity is for engineers.
The bin is named “The General Waste” after the General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard, because it is bright orange and because the rejected alternatives were “Bin Diesel,” “Light-bin McQueen,” and “Gone Bin 60 Seconds,” which collectively explain more about the British sense of humor than any research paper ever could. No additional context is required. None would help. The name selection committee appears to have been Wallhead and probably alcohol.
The vehicle itself is technically a tricycle with delusions of grandeur. The driver enters by climbing inside, folding into a seated position with knees against the front panel, and gripping the handlebars installed between the legs. One foot rests adjacent to the engine, close enough to experience what Wallhead describes as “burning through the shoe.” Neon lights and a wheelie bar have been added for reasons not specified in the engineering documentation. The lights make the speeding bin much easier to see on the road, but no easier for the average motorist to comprehend.
We're assuming it's not doing 66mph here. (Guiinness World Records)
Safety procedures are what experts might charitably describe as “evolving.” Wallhead reports falling out of the bin once at approximately 30 mph, striking his shoulder on the ground. Since that incident, standard protocol has been, and these are his exact words, “if it does topple over to tuck down inside and let the bin slide.” There is a version of that sentence that would make sense to an actuary, however this is not it.
Wallhead says he spent “many evenings practicing at low speeds” because “stability is a real problem,” a sentence that also describes his hobbies generally. He has additionally created a roll-over bike, a tandem bike configured vertically like bunk beds, and a motorized suitcase capable of speeds that would alarm airport security and likely get him shot by TSA agents in Florida.
The theoretical top speed of the wheelie bin is 79 mph, according to calculations, and Wallhead appears determined to validate it personally. Guinness World Records has expressed enthusiasm for this development, though notably from a safe distance.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
