Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Not THE peacock, but certainly looks just as annoying. (albinfo/Wikimedia)
MARLBOROUGH, WILTSHIRE (not Florida, surprisingly) – A rogue peacock has turned a sleepy English village into a scene from Jurassic Park with feathers. Known as “Percy” (because “Satan” was apparently taken), the bird has been waking up residents at 5 a.m. with a scream that can only be described as “demonic kazoo meets foghorn.” Residents say he then proceeds to demolish their gardens like a toddler on espresso.
Eric Gilbert, one such victim of Percy’s feathery rampage, reported: “He was deep in my lettuce patch, feasting like he’d never heard of boundaries.” Sources say Percy has developed a taste for runner beans, soft produce, and the sanctity of human sleep. He’s also been knocking on windows like a drunk ex looking for closure.
He taps on my window for food. At 5:30. Every. Single. Morning. There’s no snooze button on a peacock.
– Angela Newberry, resident/hostage
Animal control? Nope. Apparently, this is Britain, and we just queue politely while the bird screams. Percy has also been caught on video performing rooftop screech concerts at dawn, presumably as part of his upcoming album Songs to Ruin Your REM Cycle (no word yet on a guest appearance by Michael Stipe).
Meanwhile, locals are beginning to wonder if this is just a trend. Back in February, a Derbyshire man had to pay £3,000 in fines after his cockerel “Brutus” clocked 76 crows in 50 minutes. That’s more productivity than most tech workers on a Monday.
The owner, 82-year-old Mr. Brown, claims: “He croaks. He doesn’t crow.” Translation: He fitted his rooster with a neck collar like it was a Marvel villain and still got fined for noise pollution.
At press time, Percy the Peacock had not responded to requests for comment, likely because he was too busy fighting a pigeon and tap dancing on a Mini Cooper.
This article is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
