Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
You can tell which one is supposed to be Abraham Lincoln because of the beard. (NBC New York/YouTube)
It’s like something out of a movie: A copy of a 110-year-old film, believed to be lost to history, was found by a film archive organization just sitting in an old box. Fittingly, the discovery happened on Long Island, a place of constant wonder and magic and excitement.
The 1915 film is titled “The Heart of Lincoln” and depicts the life of the tall bearded president of yore. The film stars and was directed by Francis Ford, older brother of renowned director John Ford who won four Best Directing Oscars, the most ever. With this film’s discovery, John continues to be the more famous Ford, but this is a nice addition to Francis’ Wikipedia page. So that’s something.
It is common for movies to have a love interest, according to film experts and historians. (NBC New York/YouTube)
The silent movie was in a warehouse of the film archive group, and was found by an intern. There was no word whether it was a paid internship, but if it was similar to most internships in general, the young person was paid for the great find with a cup of coffee and a hearty “thank you.”
The archive organization said it plans to add a score to the film, for it to then be shown to audiences. “We tried adding in Taylor Swift songs to attract younger viewers,” said an employee, “but it didn’t quite fit the film’s tone. So instead we’ll add the usual score for silent films: piano music that is slightly out of tune and vaguely unsettling.”
In earlier times, America was a deeply divided nation. (NBC New York/YouTube)
Movie lovers had an extravagant tuxedo and caviar party to celebrate the find, followed by a screening of the silent film for a group of people who are into that sort of thing. Within five minutes, everyone was either sound asleep or whispering if it was okay to leave. “No slight against the motion picture,” said a man who previously thought he was an old-school movie buff. “But it’s a tad slow by today’s standards. Just a tad.”
“I excitedly told my family that this week’s movie night would be this silent film,” said a local man. “A few minutes later, after all the loud sobbing began to subside, we started the picture. My kids were only on their phones for 95 percent of the movie, which was less than I expected. So I think they really enjoyed it.”
This article is based on fully factual news, so if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
