Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
LUBBOCK, TX — City officials held a brief press conference Monday to assure residents that the so-called “Snow Thing” does not exist, a statement that has convinced absolutely no one and may have made things considerably worse.
If you squint hard enough, you'll be able to see the image, only more blurry. (Lute/Unsplash)
“There is no creature,” said city spokesperson Dana Whitfield, reading from what appeared to be a laminated card. “What residents are experiencing is wind. Shadows. Exhaustion. The psychological effects of being trapped indoors during dangerous winter weather.” She paused. “Also, possibly gas leaks. We’re looking into that separately.”
Local residents have responded to the denial with the kind of calm, measured skepticism normally reserved for HOA meeting announcements about “routine maintenance.” Within hours, the phrase “that’s exactly what it would want them to say” had been posted on Facebook approximately 340 times, each accompanied by a blurry photo that may or may not be a garbage bag caught on a fence.
Witness accounts describe the Snow Thing as a tall, indistinct shape that stands just outside the reach of streetlights and vanishes when approached. “It doesn’t chase you,” said longtime resident Gary Dunnock, 54, who claims to have seen the creature near a closed Valero station around 2 a.m. “That’s the part that gets you. It just waits. Like it knows you’ll do all the work yourself.” He paused to sip from a coffee mug that read “Don’t Talk To Me Until I’ve Had My Existential Crisis,” a phrase which now seemed to invite conversation.
Others report the Snow Thing becomes less defined the longer it’s observed, as if the storm itself were slowly reclaiming it. “It’s like looking at a word until it stops making sense,” said one witness. “Except the word is seven feet tall and standing next to your truck.”
There's definitely snow, and there could be a thing. (alex.stemmer/depositphotos)
Meteorologists have offered what they clearly believed would be a reassuring explanation. “Blowing snow, extreme wind gusts, and low visibility can create the illusion of movement and shape,” said Dr. Helen Marchetti of Texas Tech’s Atmospheric Science department. “West Texas weather is notoriously unsettling even on a good day.” She declined to define what a “good day” in Lubbock might look like but suggested residents “try not to think about it.”
Authorities maintain there have been no confirmed incidents, no physical evidence, and no injuries related to the alleged creature. “If it were real, we’d have clear photographic evidence by now,” Whitfield said, though she declined to explain why this logic has not been applied to Bigfoot, UFOs, or affordable healthcare. “The absence of proof is proof of absence.” Behind her, a council member could be seen mouthing the words “is it though?” before being ushered off camera.
Residents have begun taking precautions that officials describe as “unnecessary but not technically a terrible idea.” These include avoiding late-night drives, keeping all exterior lights on, and implementing a neighborhood watch system that one participant described as “mostly just us texting each other ‘you good?’ at 3 a.m. and hoping someone answers with a text that isn’t just about brown neighbors out for a walk.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
