Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
NEW YORK – Federal prosecutors have charged more than 30 people, including NBA figures and alleged members of multiple crime families, in what they describe as a “mind-boggling” poker fraud scheme that combined X-ray tables, custom lenses, and celebrity bait to extract millions from the nation’s wealthiest amateur poker players.
No word on whether there were also cards up the sleeve. Like in the olden days. (ArturVerkhovetskiy/depositphotos)
Authorities say the scam involved “sophisticated equipment” capable of reading cards through solid wood, which is the most action a poker table has seen since the ’70s.
The operation, investigators say, began in 2019 and ended when the FBI realized that actual rich people might be affected.
According to court documents, players believed they were sitting down to a friendly high-stakes game with NBA coach Chauncey Billups and former player Damon Jones. In reality, they were the “fish”: a term here meaning both a naïve opponent and a guy everyone at the table knows is about to get filleted.
The tables were outfitted with X-ray readers capable of identifying facedown cards, and the chip trays were wired to transmit data to what prosecutors diplomatically call an “operator.” Information was then relayed to a “quarterback” at the table, who allegedly signaled the results by scratching himself or tapping his chips. Witnesses say the subtlety was impressive.
Prosecutors claim that the mafia families laundered the ill-gotten funds through crypto and shell companies, creating a diverse portfolio of poor decisions. FBI Director Kash Patel called it “a scheme reminiscent of a Hollywood movie,” the script for which would’ve been rejected for being too realistic in its portrayal of how dumb rich people can be.
Assistant Director Christopher Raia said the scam “exploited the notoriety of some and the wallets of others.” He did not elaborate on which group the NBA coaches belonged to.
Billups, placed on leave by the Portland Trail Blazers, maintains his innocence, stating he thought the blinking red light under the table was part of the ambiance. Damon Jones faces multiple counts of wire fraud and money laundering, which experts say is the full house of federal indictments.
Probably never even played poker before! (Chauncey Billups/Wikimedia)
Federal agents dismantled the operation across multiple states, including New York, Miami, and Las Vegas, or, as the indictment phrases it, “everywhere people think sunglasses make them smarter.”
The Department of Justice says the case demonstrates the government’s commitment to protecting the public from “high-tech gambling fraud.” A new subcommittee has already been formed to determine whether X-ray tables qualify as medical equipment.
The defendants have pleaded not guilty and deny all allegations. They also deny understanding them. They also deny ever reading their own text messages or ever being able to read. They then claimed they didn’t hear anyone ask any questions in the first place.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
