Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. – Oh say, can you see, that guy on the flag? That’s probably the question many a Jets fan was asking yesterday at CitiField after an unfortunate gentleman found himself ensnared by the red, white, and blue on opening day.
These colors don’t run, they awkwardly crawl. (X/Connor_J_Hughes)
A gigantic flag covering the entirety of MetLife Stadium’s football field was unveiled on Sunday, just as the New York Jets were set to take on the Pittsburgh Steelers. It takes a lot of people to unfurl a flag that big, and if one person were to take their eye off the prize, who knows what might happen?
82,500 football fans, as well as anyone watching, now know what happens, as the guy somehow found himself on top of the flag, and had to precariously scramble to the edge to get off. In a metaphor for many patriotic Americans wondering what they’ve gotten themselves into in 2025, he slowly crawled towards the edge, finally making his way down in front of several Steelers, who might have wanted to tackle him. There’s no word on who the guy was or how he got off track and on the flag.
The game between the Jets and the Steelers was a return to MetLife for Steelers QB Aaron Rodgers, who was cut from the Jets last year after two underwhelming seasons. “This is the most awkward thing I’ve seen at a Jets opener since two years ago when I blew out my Achilles tendon on the 4th play,” the 4-time MVP likely thought to himself. “Finally, something that’ll take the pressure off of us,” the Jets thought as they went on to lose the game in heartbreaking fashion as per usual.
Odd News caught up with the flag after the game. “What an embarrassment,” it exclaimed. “I got to be on the same field as Oasis, Beyonce, and System of a Down, and then this happens. Oh yeah, I’m not much of a football fan, but I love me some music. It would’ve been cool if I got to be at a live show, but at least I got to be on display in front of thousands of people. Then this clown somehow winds up on top of me. I thought it was a protester at first. Hasn’t he ever heard the phrase ‘don’t tread on me ’? He’s treading all over me in all my glory. Boy, did he spangle my stars. Good thing they got him off of me in time for the anthem, which should actually be ‘Freedom’ by Queen Bey.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
