Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
It’s a sad day for anyone not named David Rush who has a lot of toilet paper and the desire to set a world record with it. That’s because Rush has wiped the competition, including himself, and broken yet another World Record involving TP. This time, it was for something that wasn’t Number 1 or Number 2. In fact, the number was 245, and the record was how many rolls of the stuff he was able to balance on his head.
Somewhere in a forest, some cartoon bears are very sad. (RecordBreakerRush/Youtube)
This is an unbelievably dumb world record, but it goes to show that if you can use your head to find a stupid record to break, you can also use it to balance over 12 dozen rolls of toilet paper. Rush has set over 300 World Records, including stacking ten rolls of toilet paper in just over 5 seconds with one hand.
This one, however, seems to have been set purely out of spite. Not for anyone near him in a bathroom that needs a roll, but for the last guy to set a toilet paper balancing act. See, in 2021, the record stood at a mere 56 rolls, which is something any of us could do. Rush nearly doubled that, with 101 rolls. It’s unclear who broke that record with 152, but it led him to one-up that guy at 195 last May, then break his own record for a second time this most recent go-round.
This seems a little odd, but perhaps there’s a reason behind all of his world records. Did he have a misunderstanding with a music fan who said, “I bet my record collection is better than yours?” And what’s with all the TP records? Did his family not give him enough love or plies as a child?
It turns out his records are a marketing gimmick to promote Rush himself as a public speaker. In fact, when he first failed to break the 245-roll balancing record, he stated “Failure is rarely a signal to quit; it is data” on his website, which is exactly the kind of thing a public speaker would say, although rarely about paper products to wipe your nether regions with.
So if you have a corporate event coming up, want to be wrapped with wrapping paper in record time (yeah, he holds that record too), or be delivered platitudes and buzzwords like “activating a growth mindset and building grit,” perhaps you can look up Rush. The “mindset/grit” quote from the previous sentence is on his site as well, so if you find his act Charmin, or just want to beat a world record without marketing yourself, look into it. But he’s definitely got a head start on you.
Just when you think you’ve seen it all, the world says “hold my beer.” We document the aftermath at OddNews.com.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
