Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
We write a lot about criminals here at Odd News, and that’s because many of them are not particularly good at being criminals. Especially if they’re from the Patron State of Crime, Florida, which contains citizens like the guy who posted “no drugs allowed” on his property and was found to be a drug dealer. Or the woman arrested with drugs found in a bag that said “definitely not a bag full of drugs.” And just like that, now it’s a trifecta of dumbasses from the Sunshine State giving off signs they were criminals – because they literally had signs suggesting they were.
He might have meant 'Cherry Pie,' the 1990 album by hair metal band Warrant. (facebook/VolusiaSheriff)
Daytona Beach resident Christopher Musick is now facing the music after being caught up in a mortgage fraud scam. Visitors to his house were greeted with a doormat that instead of saying “welcome,” read “come back with a warrant.” Volusia County police officers were more than happy to oblige and did just that, arresting the guy on Tuesday. “We have come back with a warrant,” the cops’ Facebook post read in part. “After interviewing Musick, VSO Financial Crimes Unit detectives established probable cause to execute a search warrant at his residence, thereby satisfying the doormat’s request.”
Currently in custody and being held on a $225,000 bond, Musick’s new home doesn’t have a doormat at all, but it does come with a bar. Actually, a lot of them. His scam was to pose as the owner of multiple business properties, take out mortgages on them, use the money to buy more properties, and then rent them out without paying off any of his loans. That sounds like enough work that if he wanted to be a legitimate landlord, he could’ve done it, since most landlords are unscrupulous at best.
Instead of going legit, however, Musick bought a doormat to serve as his lawyer. He’s being charged with organized scheme to defraud, grand theft over $100,000, and forgery. Meanwhile, his legal counsel is just lying there and letting everyone step all over them.
There’s a valuable lesson to be learned here, and it involves not being a criminal. However, if anyone reading this doesn’t take that advice, the least they could do is keep a low profile and not purchase anything that suggests that maybe, just maybe, they’re actual criminals. However, if you’re an aspiring criminal, it looks like it’ll be pretty easy to follow in this guy’s footsteps – literally.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
