Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
LOS ANGELES – Most aircraft thefts end with a crash, a fiery explosion, and a tearful insurance adjuster explaining “act of moron” clauses. Not so for 75-year-old Jason Hong, whose mystery plane bandit is apparently part thief, part pilot, part Costco warranty service.
Cessna? More like Cess Pool – time to steal this bad boy to get it cleaned! ( Yuri_D3/depositphotos)
The saga began when Hong arrived at his hangar one morning to discover his plane had gone full Houdini. No alarms, no witnesses, no ransom note made of cut-out SkyMall ads—just an empty parking space and the faint smell of Marlboros.
Two days later, the Cessna reappeared at an airport 25 miles away, in better condition than when it left. No damage. No missing parts. In fact, the oil was topped up, the windshield polished, and someone had replaced the sticky yoke label reading “Do Not Eat.”
Suspicious, Hong removed the battery, figuring even the most considerate kleptomaniac can’t start a plane without juice. The following weekend, he returned to check… and found the plane gone again. This time, it was parked 18 miles from the first drop-off location with a brand-new battery installed. There was also a shiny new headset in the cockpit, presumably so the thief could listen to in-flight smooth jazz while committing felonies.
“I don’t get it,” Hong told reporters. “When someone breaks into your house, they take your jewelry. Here, they’re basically running an unsolicited Jiffy Lube service.”
The only clue to the culprit’s identity was a report from another pilot who claimed he saw “a woman in her 40s or 50s” hanging out in the plane. No word on whether she was also chain-smoking like an airborne noir villain.
Hong has now chained his Cessna to the tarmac, a move experts say will be effective until the thief arrives with a pair of bolt cutters and a coupon for free detailing. Police remain stumped. Theories range from a rogue flight instructor with OCD to a secret government “Good Samaritan Pilot” program to the ghost of Howard Hughes finally mellowing out.
Don't think I don't have some bolt cutters in my back pocket. It's a big pocket. (KrisCole/depositphotos)
For now, Hong is left with two unanswered questions: Who’s stealing his plane… and how much would it cost to hire them full-time?
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
