Mariah Carey Plans To Release Grunge Album

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

The Queen of Christmas may soon become the Queen of Seattle as Mariah Carey is said to be set to release her first-ever grunge album in 2026. Someone’s Ugly Daughter, recorded in 1994, the same year that Kurt Cobain killed himself, was a departure for the vocalist.  

Carey secretly recorded and co-produced Someone’s Ugly Daughter, fronting a band called Chick. Although recorded at the same time as her fifth simultaneous best-selling album, Daydream, at a time in history when grunge was still at its apex in cultural popularity, the genre-shifting album sat in a drawer for decades. In its place, Epic Records released the album with Mariah Carey’s lead vocals replaced by another singer, Carey’s friend Clarissa Dane.  

It is hard to wonder why Columbia Records refused to release this album in its original form back in 1995. Mariah was the number one solo artist, and grunge music was the most popular genre. The transitive property thereby states that Mariah Carey singing grunge in 1995 would have been the greatest musical event of all time.  

That’s the thing about the transitive property: it looks good on paper. Sound is a different thing. Anyone alive in 1995 needed only to stand in the hallway between my sister’s bedroom and my own to hear firsthand that Mariah Carey blaring over grunge music is not a sound anyone was ready for. But are we now?

Grunge music is an alternative-rock genre that blends punk rock and heavy metal. Heavily distorted guitars, thundering bass, and crashing drums drown out gravelly mumbled lyrics. Themes include social alienation, addiction, abuse, neglect, betrayal, social and emotional isolation, and psychological trauma. Bands such as Pearl Jam, Nirvana, and Soundgarden blasted onto the music scene, heralding a cultural shift. Their music is edgy and unrefined. Their clothes, ripped and frayed.  

Grunge, like Mariah Carey, became insanely popular in the early ’90s, but the similarities end there. A singular artist and talent, Mariah Carey has been known the world over as one of the most vocally gifted and physically beautiful performing artists of all time. Where grunge is torn and tattered, Carey is polished and refined. The sound of grunge is low and guttural, Carey is soulful and ethereal.

While stylistically Mariah Carey and grunge music seem to be polar opposites, opposites do attract. She is not the first recording artist, while at the height of artistic and monetary power, to record an album totally outside the confines of their public persona. Bob Dylan, Neil Young, and David Bowie are famous for it. Linda Ronstadt sang pop music, and then they let her release a mariachi album. Ray Charles recorded country albums, so did Dean Martin, for Christ’s sake. 

So what is the deal? Why not Mariah? Did we miss something? Had her five-year dominance of the music industry not given her the right to record whatever the hell she wanted? Was the album that bad? Was Mariah Carey just too damn un-grunge? Or was she really so grunge that we wouldn’t believe it?

Let’s take a closer look at Mariah Carey’s actual grunge credos. She grew up in Huntington, Long Island, a suburb located just a scant 2900 miles outside dreary downtown Seattle. Her greatest musical inspiration, she says, is Ella Fitzgerald, who did a ton of heroin. Once, she wore a sweater with a hole in it for a full day before realizing and then immediately firing three assistants.  

Those are just a few real-life grunge facts about Mariah Carey that can easily be found using a basic Google search. More obscure are the grunge influences in the music she has already released. There is a rumor that the original lyrics for All I Want for Christmas Is You, included a verse about scoring meth beneath a bridge while it rained.

The real question is, why now? Mariah Carey is in a bit of a career slump. Her Las Vegas residency, which kicked off last month, has far undersold projections. Her most recent album, Here for It All, her first in seven years, disappeared from the charts in about a month and is her all-time lowest-selling record. At least, until Someone’s Ugly Daughter comes out.  

Fans and critics have been surprisingly quiet as news of the upcoming album release was announced. There really are only questions at this point. Is Mariah Carey set to release the new Nevermind, reigniting the long-dormant grunge music craze of the early Clinton administration? Will other artists follow suit and release long-shelved cross-genre music? Is the world ready for a Shania Twain gangsta rap album? Did Madonna ever give polka music a try? Are we prepared to live in a world where Gloria Estefan made a yodeling album?

I guess only time will tell.      

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.