Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
There’s been a lot of car vandalism lately, and some of them haven’t even been Teslas. Whether it’s catalytic converters being taken, Hyundais and Kias being stolen with only a USB cord, or writing “wash me” on a dirty window, having your car messed with has been a popular pastime since the first Model T rolled off the assembly line. That’s why when a series of cars in Rockport, Massachusetts, wound up with their side mirrors being damaged, residents quickly searched for the person responsible. However, it wasn’t a bored teenager up to the car-defacing hijinx, but an animal known for banging its head against trees.
When confronted about the damage, the bird said, "Put it on my bill." (Andy Roman/Flickr)
WBZ Boston caught up with Janelle Favaloro, the first person to notice that both of her side mirrors were vandalized (side note: shouldn’t it be “cardalized” if it isn’t a van being damaged?). She did what any sane woman would do and blamed it on her husband. Her husband did what any sane man would do and blamed their son. Their son did what any sane son would do and blamed a woodpecker.
In reality, Favaloro came to her own conclusion after her brother-in-law, who lives next door, also reported his car’s mirrors were damaged and eventually saw the culprit. “He came into the yard, and he started hopping around on the vehicles, and we weren’t thinking that he was doing anything wrong,” Favaloro said of the winged suspect. “People from the neighborhood responded, and they said, ‘Oh my God, I just lost two mirrors too!’ But they didn’t know that it was the woodpecker. So we started putting it all together and realizing that he was canvassing the neighborhood.”
Tree? I must've pecked on tree cars this week. (Chuck Homler – FocusOnWildlife.Me/Creative Commons)
According to a bird expert, woodpeckers from the greater Northeastern region really hate cars. Actually, the real reason is that they’re pretty horny, which we suppose is appropriate for a bird that has two genitalia nicknames.
During mating season, woodpeckers tend to try to scare other males away, so if they see other males competing, they’ll attack them and try to scare them off, Donna Cooper, president of the Merrimack Valley Bird Club, explained to WBZ. And that could include mirror images of themselves, which may be why a confused woodpecker became a car pecker.
Either that or maybe it’s a really insecure woodpecker with a bad self-image that hates the way he looks. Or he’s going through a phase and will be back to attacking trees instead of cars in a few weeks.
This article is based on fully factual news, so if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
