Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Times are tough, and with the housing market as rough as it’s been lately, some people are making changes and doing what they have to do to survive. Also, some corporations are doing the same. That’s perhaps why Maxwell House has rebranded, changing its name for the first time in its 133-year history. Get ready for the most underwhelming name change in coffee since Dunkin Donuts ditched the “donuts.” Get ready for… Maxwell Apartment.
House rule: there is no house anymore. (Maxwell House)
This is, according to the coffee company, just a temporary rebrand until it can get back on its feet. Nothing about the coffee has changed, just a name that’s longer than the original and rolls off the tongue even less. What’s the reasoning behind this? Apparently, it’s because we’re all broke. “In a time where value matters now more than ever, Americans seek value in areas of their everyday, including where they live, with nearly a third opting to rent versus purchase a home,” a hastily-written press release explains.
“Maxwell House believes no one should have to go without great tasting coffee and Maxwell Apartment delivers the same delicious taste people know and love, at a value that celebrates all our fans are doing to make smart choices in their lives,” probably-embarrassed Holly Ramsden, Head of Coffee, North America at the Kraft Heinz Company, said in the press release. The company is hedging its bets, and Java Junkies will still be able to buy Maxwell House coffee at most places. You’ll just have to go to Amazon to pick up your latest Apartment accessory.
Maxwell Apartment is cheaper than Maxwell House, but not by much. Four canisters of 27.5-ounce Maxwell Apartment can be purchased on Amazon for $39.99; they’re calling it a “one-year lease” because why not lean into it? Each canister of the OG Maxwell House is about $13, so by signing a “lease,” you’re both saving a few bucks and getting coffee with a label that everyone can make fun of for a year, so it’s a win-win situation. Perhaps when the housing market rebounds, they’ll rebrand again with Maxwell Mansion, where it’ll be much more expensive. For now, we’re stuck with a reminder that we’ll never own a house. Thanks, Maxwell Apartment!
Tasty ol' Maxwell Barrel. (Wikipedia)
This rebrand is bound to work great, just ask Cracker Barrel! In fact, Odd News spoke to the guy in the logo. “I’m back, bitches!” he exclaimed. “They tried to take me away, but you can’t keep an old man sitting in a rocking chair down. Oh, the coffee? Yeah, whatever, Maxwell House, Maxwell Apartment, Maxwell Hut, it’s all the same as far as I’m concerned. In fact, none of it matters to me – I’m homeless. Why do you think I’m always sitting outside a Cracker Barrel? It’s because they won’t let me in.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
