Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Authorities in the Mexican city of Lagos de Moreno are searching for a mysterious nighttime vigilante who appears to be targeting bike thieves. Perhaps they should consider being better at searching for bike thieves.
Over the past several weeks, five men have been discovered duct-taped to utility poles with the word “ratero” (“thief”) written across their foreheads. Handwritten pink signs accuse them of stealing motorcycles. Some also received hand-drawn cat whiskers and mustaches, suggesting the suspect loves furries and/or believes face painting should be a part of public humiliation.
Seems more like a Spiderman thing, but what do we know? (X)
Police say the bound men are being treated as victims, which could also explain why a masked vigilante might think the police aren’t good at their actual jobs. The fact that stolen motorcycles are found next to the duct-tapped victims was described by investigators as “an entirely separate coincidence.” Which is a comment that also may point to the actual problem here.
Officials say at least one of the men suffered bruising before being taped into what witnesses have begun referring to as “the community suggestion box.” Emergency crews cut each man free while detectives collected evidence, including the signs, the tape, and what experts are cautiously calling “a surprisingly consistent graphic design aesthetic.”
Online, the unidentified figure has already earned the nickname “Mexican Batman,” though legal experts note that Batman traditionally limits himself to theatrical entrances and a billionaire’s overly simplistic approach to greater societal problems. This Mexican version of Batman appears to operate on a much smaller budget, replacing the Batmobile with a moped with enough cargo space for six rolls of duct tape and at least one permanent marker.
This one is a very tightly wrapped criminal. (X)
Mexican Commissioner Gordon urged residents not to emulate the vigilante, stressing that tying alleged criminals to utility poles creates “an unacceptable amount of paperwork.” He reminded the public that suspects should instead be released into the criminal justice system, where they can be processed according to established procedures before eventually becoming someone else’s paperwork.
The commissioner also dismissed criticism that the vigilante had solved more motorcycle thefts in a month than police had all year. “Those are completely different metrics,” he explained. “Our success is measured in investigations opened. His success is measured in motorcycles recovered. Frankly, that’s apples and oranges.”
Mexican Superman said he would have intervened sooner but was still waiting for CFE to reconnect power to the Mexican Hall of Justice after disputing an estimated meter reading.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
