Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Michigan State University Police announced Wednesday that a 31-year-old man had been arrested at Wells Hall after officers discovered him in possession of sodium hydroxide pellets, hydrochloric acid, methanol, isopropyl alcohol, acetone, and butane. Police were careful to emphasize that all of these substances can be legally purchased in retail stores or online. Several times in fact. Over and over, as if they suspected no one believed this explanation.
Just another math lesson. (Frank Ockenfels/AMC)
The suspect, Xin Tong, was identified using his expired Michigan State student ID. How he came to be on the fifth floor of Wells Hall has not been fully explained. Police said only that the activity in question took place between April 10 and April 26, a span of sixteen days, during which several doors and sections of flooring were destroyed in a manner officials have described as “directly related to alleged criminal activity.”
Officers were initially dispatched Sunday night for a trespassing complaint, accompanied by reports of “a strong odor and unknown substances on the floor,” according to MSU Police Chief Mike Yankowski. Tong was located on the fifth floor with four to five backpacks and duffel bags. A search warrant obtained early Monday morning revealed several labeled and unlabeled containers of an unknown liquid substance.
The university initially announced that Wells Hall would reopen on Tuesday. By Tuesday, the university announced that Wells Hall would remain closed through Friday. By Wednesday, Yankowski clarified that while Tong had been charged with a felony for operating or maintaining a methamphetamine lab, no methamphetamine lab had actually been located inside the building. The chemicals, he explained, had been on the suspect’s person.
The Office of Environmental Health and Safety has performed multiple tests and confirmed the environment in Wells Hall does not currently pose a risk to the community, a phrasing that implies they thought this needed clarification. Infrastructure Planning and Facilities will spend the remainder of the week assessing damage to flooring, fixtures, and other surfaces, then remediating and ultimately restoring the impacted spaces. Final exams, including those for languages that have nothing to do with this, have been relocated.
Tong is being held at the Ingham County Jail on a $500,000 cash or surety bond. A pre-examination conference is scheduled for May 8. The university has not commented on whether the suspect was a student, citing federal privacy law, though it has confirmed his student ID had expired, which is the kind of detail that answers a different question than the one being asked. Wells Hall is expected to resume normal operations once the doors come back.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
