Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
A miniature horse was recently found wandering the streets of Brownstown, MI, following a St. Patty’s Day escape from a petting zoo. Driver Michelle Cialkowski told Detroit’s ABC7 that she nearly ran over the little guy while driving at 5 am on Tuesday morning. She called the cops, saying something about a little horse, to which the dispatcher said, “Your laryngitis has nothing to do with it, what’s your emergency?” No, actually, the cops eventually showed up, corralled the animal, and marched it back to the Ponies R Us Petting Zoo about a mile away.
The Brownstown Police Department doesn’t tolerate horseplay. (brownstowntwppd/Instagram)
“It actually was my first rodeo,” the pint-sized runaway said in an exclusive interview with Odd News. “Petting zoos are a drag. Most of the time, I love being petted and fed carrots, but not all the time. It’s called consent, look it up, sweetie. What happened to ‘neigh means no?’ Also, some of these dumb kids just ate, and there’s no concern about any of that. Do you have any idea how long it takes to get mac and cheese out of my mane?
“So when I saw that it was St. Patrick’s Day, I figured I’d make a break for it,” the horse continued. “I love me some clover, regardless of how many leaves it has. I also like Irish music and bands, like ‘Jump Around’ by Horse of Pain, ‘Shipping Up To Boston’ by the Clopkick Murphys, “‘New Year’s Hay’ by U2, and of course ‘Penbreak,’ by Thin Lizzy, which inspired me to bust out in the first place.”
“I was hoping to find a rager or at least a pony keg,” the equine added. “I think I might’ve gotten out a little too late since most people are drunk on St. Patrick’s Day by 11 am. So I’m walking around looking for the party, some lady nearly hit me, and all of a sudden, the cops are everywhere. I should’ve called them on her, but no, they round me up, take a bunch of pictures of me, throw them on social media, and all of a sudden, I’m back at the petting zoo. Good thing they don’t know about what I’ve got in mind for Easter.”
This article is based on fully factual news, so if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
