Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
PITTSVILLE, Wis. — A man who was doing naked push-ups in a public place stole an ambulance with a patient still inside and led police on an 18-mile chase through Wood County before crashing in a field, where he refused to exit the vehicle. The patient was fine.
There may or may not be a naked driver in this stock photo. (logoboom/depositphotos)
Benjamin Feltz, whose fitness routine apparently includes cardio, had been evading law enforcement prior to the ambulance situation. Authorities did not specify what he was evading them for, possibly because the naked public exercise was already taking up most of the incident report’s first page.
At 5:30 p.m. Tuesday, the Wisconsin Rapids Fire Department was parked in the 1400 block of 22nd Avenue South, providing medical care to a patient in the back of the ambulance, when Feltz entered the driver’s seat, apparently with plenty of energy left over from his naked public workout.
Two paramedics were in the patient compartment when Feltz took the wheel. One exited to assess the situation, which was nude and accelerating. The other attempted to prevent Feltz from moving, but was somehow forced out of the ambulance, which continued moving anyway. No part of the official report says “the two paramedics bailed the hell out and left the patient alone,” but we can’t rule out the possibility that some serious ass covering is going on here. For the paramedics, anyhow… the suspect’s own ass remained uncovered for the duration of the incident.
The chase proceeded west on State Highway 73, covering 18 miles through Wisconsin Rapids and into Pittsville at speeds that were not disclosed. Wisconsin Rapids officers attempted to end the pursuit with tire deflation devices. They were unsuccessful. Pittsville police deployed stop sticks, which worked. Somehow, no one asked the question of why these measures were implemented while there was an unattended patient in the back of the ambulance.
Feltz refused multiple commands to exit the ambulance following the crash. A drone was deployed to safely observe the suspect from a distance. The drone confirmed he was still naked. A coordinated team of officers and deputies then approached and took Feltz into custody “without incident.”
The patient was finally transported to a hospital.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
