Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
For decades, the Scottish Highlands have been home to mist, bagpipes, and exactly one international superstar: a large aquatic cryptid who refuses to not be blurry in photographs. Now, new webcam footage captured at Loch Ness appears to show a mysterious creature “as big as three grown men.” This marks the first time in history that men have been used as a reliable scientific unit of measurement. The footage, of course, is blurry.
Ahhh, the famous Loch Blurred Monster. (Eoin O Faodhagain/Visit Inverness Loch Ness)
Eoin O’Faodhagain, a self-described veteran Nessie hunter, estimated the beast at 17 feet long and five feet wide, roughly the size of three kilted rugby players stacked like a human lasagna. He called the movement “strange and fascinating,” which is also how Scots describe watching an American try haggis for the first time.
The monster allegedly broke the water’s surface with a circular motion, which conspiracy theorists immediately claimed was proof of ancient aliens. Comparisons were drawn to a 1992 documentary, except in that one, the monster at least had the decency to wave to the camera. The footage, of course, was blurry.
As usual, no boats were in sight, and the water was calm. The Loch Ness research community, a dedicated squad of guys with binoculars and a lot of free time, admitted the footage was unique but stopped short of calling it definitive. “It’s real, unless it isn’t,” said one expert while shrugging into his tartan.
O’Faodhagain, watching from his home in County Donegal, Ireland, added this sighting to his ever-growing logbook of Nessie appearances. To date, his register includes monsters, floating logs, rogue kayaks, one suspiciously large trout, and a particularly menacing Doritos bag.
Could be Nessie. Could be a bag of Doritos. (Eoin O Faodhagain/Visit Inverness Loch Ness)
Local pub-goers chimed in with alternative theories ranging from “giant eel” to “my ex-wife’s aura.” None of these hypotheses was tested because everyone was too busy arguing about who stole the dartboard.
What makes this latest footage truly remarkable is that in 2025, while satellites can map Martian dust storms and iPhones can recognize your face in pitch darkness, the clearest view we still get of Scotland’s most famous resident is 240p webcam footage that looks like it was filmed through a potato.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
