Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
France signed a €6 billion agreement Monday with Qiddiya Investment Company, a subsidiary of Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund, to build three theme parks northwest of Paris. The headline attraction is going to be a 500,000-square-meter Dragon Ball park with seven themed zones, more than 30 rides, a replica Kame House, and a 70-meter Shenron statue with a roller coaster wrapped around it like a python working on a goat.
The last theme park here died. This one has a dragon, so things are obviously going much better. (kuremo/depositphotos)
The leading candidate site is the old Mirapolis grounds at Cergy-Pontoise, which is the same field where, incidentally, Saudi money last built a theme park in France. That one closed in 1991 after four years of operation, only to be later taken over by Hawk Moth as a secret lair. Yes, this is mixing metaphors. It was inaugurated by Jacques Chirac; it never turned a profit, and after the bankruptcy the site sat rotting until 1995, when crews famously dynamited the giant’s head off. With explosives. In a country where a permit is required to repaint a shutter. At any rate, at least heads coming off is a French national pastime.
The primary investor behind Mirapolis was Saudi financier Ghaith Pharaon, who subsequently became an FBI fugitive wanted on wire fraud and racketeering conspiracy, and not with running an amusement park into the ground as you might expect.. He died in 2017 without the charges ever being resolved.
Now France and Saudi Arabia plan to try again. And apparently everyone involved has decided the solution this time around is more anime. Specifically, more Dragon Ball Z.
Macron announced the deal on X with the words “You know my passion for manga,” a fact not previously known by anyone in France, or anywhere else for that matter. He followed it with “Nothing like this has been seen since Disneyland Paris. A new global destination. Here, in France.” By the way, Disneyland Paris lost money for most of its first decade, and the deal had to be financially restructured twice.
Macron recently discovered that he and Mohammed bin Salman share an enthusiasm for Dragon Ball Z. Which means that two heads of state of serious, real countries bonded over a cartoon in which the hero is repeatedly torn apart and brought back to life by magic. Given the crown prince’s documented history of what can happen to journalists inside Saudi buildings, hopefully someone strictly clarified which parts of the Dragon Ball Z franchise were on the table and which were not.
The first Paris-area park is targeted for 2032, with 22,000 jobs promised. It should be noted that the prior amusement park at the same location also went up on schedule, was torn down, and is now being brought back to life.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
