Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — A pig detained last week after leading Albuquerque police on a pursuit down Interstate 40 has been released to a new home, where he will serve the remainder of his sentence under house arrest with occasional belly rubs and scritches.
Apprehended and harnessed, like the swine he is. (KOB4)
The pig, originally named Parrot by shelter staff in what officials describe as “a completely reasonable name decision made by sober professionals,” was caught Tuesday on the off-ramp from I-40 to Louisiana Boulevard. APD units reportedly clocked him doing 12 miles per hour in a 45mph zone, though the department maintains this was not technically a low-speed chase because the pig seemed very determined.
Upon adoption Monday, the adopting couple renamed him Boar-is, continuing New Mexico’s proud tradition of pig-based celebrity puns. Boar-is will eventually be introduced to the couple’s female pig, Swine-nona, though animal welfare officials say the integration process must be handled delicately to avoid what one spokesperson called “romantic complications beyond our paygrade.”
“Boar-is is adjusting very well to his new home,” a spokesperson for Albuquerque Animal Welfare told KOB 4. “I was amazed by how calmly he walked on a leash and how smoothly his ride home went.” The spokesperson did not specify what baseline of pig behavior they were comparing this to, or whether the bar had been raised or lowered.
Several very curious dogs reportedly greeted Boar-is at his new residence, conducting what appeared to be a routine butt-sniff-based background check. The dogs have since filed no formal objections, though one golden retriever was observed maintaining “professional distance.”
The couple plans to introduce Boar-is to Swine-nona once he completes a mandatory acclimation period, the length of which will be determined by factors including temperament, yard space, and whether either pig brings up the I-40 thing again. Sources close to the situation say Swine-nona has already been briefed on Boar-is’s past and is willing to overlook it, provided he demonstrates genuine remorse and stops having uncomfortable conversations about his recent criminal past. The couple said they’re optimistic about the introduction but admitted they “don’t really know how pig relationships work” and are “mostly winging it.”
APD has declined to comment on whether additional charges related to the pursuit are pending, though one officer noted off-record that the pig’s leash behavior suggests rehabilitation is possible. The same officer noted that Boar-is cooperated more readily than a significant portion of human suspects this year, a comparison the department later characterized as “unfortunate phrasing” before also stating it was “statistically defensible.”
Boar-is could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly napping in a sunbeam and seemed disinclined to discuss his criminal record. His attorney did not return calls, largely because pigs do not retain attorneys in New Mexico unless the case involves zoning disputes or meth.
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