Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
The ocean is a vast portion of this world, and the stuff swimming around in it is some of the healthiest things you can eat. There’s only one problem, though. Have you seen it? These creatures can look terrifying, and the last thing you want to think about when you’re chowing down is something that looks like this. There’s one more thing, as well. Fish can taste, well, fishy. If the fish industry really wanted people to eat their wares, they would make it look and taste like something it completely isn’t. Thankfully for the non-pescatarians, Big Seafood has listened, and now you can conceivably eat seafood without knowing it.
Guys that look like this are the reason people don't eat seafood. (National Marine Fisheries Service/Creative Commons)
Boston recently held the Seafood Expo North America convention, which sounds kinda fishy if you ask us. But it sounds kinda meaty to the vendors there. Take Tuna Fresh, for example. The company sells nuggets and strips made, not of chicken, but (we’ll let you figure this one out). “Our Taiwanese magic is making tuna taste like fried chicken,” a Tuna Fresh spokesperson said. And fried food is their way to get the American consumer hooked.
SK Food Brands, a Los Angeles brand, sells shrimp sliders and full-sized shrimp burgers, which Bubba from Forrest Gump would be proud of. A sales manager for that company also mentioned that many don’t find seafood palatable, but in burger form, “it gives them an entry point.” Even though it’s made of shrimp, not calling it a Big Mackerel is a missed marketing opportunity, though.
What else is on the menu? How about some spare ribs? While most fish don’t have ribs to spare, or at least not beefy ones, the Brazilian tambaqui does happen to. That’s why Friocenter Pescados is offering ribs from the Amazon freshwater fish (that’s the river, not the delivery company). A company spokesperson envisions fans tearing into a fish rib at a stadium while watching football, baseball, or hockey. Although we’ve never seen anyone tear into a regular rib at an arena. Maybe it would happen at a Dolphins or Marlins game?
I want my baby bass, baby bass, baby bass… (friocenterpescados/instagram)
So if you’re eating a salmon salami (another delicacy at the expo) or a fried calamari chip, before long, you’ll know where this seafood alchemy came from. And it’s not like this isn’t already happening. There’s no part of the fish that the “stick” comes from, and while it’s probably the most ignored item on the menu, McDonald’s Filet-o-Fish sandwich could be the only seafood some people eat on purpose.
Apparently, about 40% of the population doesn’t eat seafood. And we’re helping drive up that average. Americans eat about 19 pounds of seafood a year. The global average is double that, with Iceland eating around 200 pounds per year. It’ll be interesting to see if there’s an asterisk with next year’s figure, like “Americans ate 22 pounds of seafood this year, but were fooled into thinking three of them were meat.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
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