Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In a bold attempt to convince the world it’s less “goth military LARP” and more “South Pacific realness,” Kim Jong Un has unveiled his nation’s latest beachside offering: a luxurious resort in scenic Wonsan, formerly known for launching missiles and childhood trauma. Set to welcome 20,000 North Korean citizens who won the “not on the enemy list” lottery, the Wonsan Kalma resort features unverified hotels, hypothetical restaurants, imaginary malls, and a water park with slides that go straight to the DMZ.
North Korea hopes to lure in tourists with beachfront views, lavish villas, and the kind of surveillance that makes Disney seem laid back. (KCNA)
Foreigners may one day be allowed in, provided they bring rubles, renounce all forms of democracy, and submit to 24/7 photography by officials trained in both espionage and wedding photography. The site, six years late and funded with the money not used for food, stands on a solid foundation of concrete optimism and failed embargoes. Russian dignitaries attended the opening, some of whom were unaware they were at a beach and not a sand-covered missile silo.
As a special treat, Kim’s rarely seen wife and possibly future Supreme Leader daughter were in attendance, blinking “everything is fine” in Morse code to the rhythm of patriotic EDM. Tour operators remain skeptical. One was quoted as saying, “It’s nice, but if I wanted overpriced concrete brutalism and unpredictable border closures, I’d go to Vegas.”
The only bombs now are water bombs and daiquiris with grenadine. (KCNA)
In a final flourish of confidence, North Korea resumed a train route with Russia, ideally allowing tourists to seamlessly connect their gulags and gulps. Future plans include a VIP sunbathing zone called “The Nuclear Option” and a rumored dolphin show featuring actual Russian submarines that also dry hump each other just like real dolphins.
This article is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
