Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
PYONGYANG, North Korea — The Korea Central Zoo in Pyongyang is once again declaring itself “world-level,” a phrase that, in local usage, now apparently includes a single goose in a plastic pen.
A vicious Shih Tzu – let's hope they have a secure enclosure. (Korea Central Zoo/depositphotos)
Officials say the zoo, founded in 1959 under Kim Il Sung and refreshed under successive leaders, houses roughly 5,000 animals from 650 species, or at least that many concrete surfaces. The Pyongyang Times recently touted “more than 1,000 new residents,” which is another suspiciously round number.
Among the notable births: an Asiatic black bear descended from a gift to Kim Jong Il; multiple litters from dogs presented by Kim Jong Un, including a German Pointer and a Shih Tzu; and, in a breakthrough for comparative religion, offspring from a “sacred” baboon. A Korean tiger reportedly added three cubs in June; staff credited tireless efforts, the tiger credited slow-moving staff members.
Public images show visitors circling a solitary goose, as well as a solo diver performing for an empty aquarium like a busker trapped behind glass. A literal lone wolf curls tight in an enclosure that appears to specialize in the study of corners.
Sure, that's probably a real tiger. (Alex Kühni/wikimedia)
City authorities say the new residents have brought “joy to workers, youth, and schoolchildren,” who, in return, bring bread crusts for the bear and faint applause for the diver. The animals were not asked to comment, perhaps due to a scheduling conflict with the instructions of the leaders, or perhaps due to the fact that most of them do not actually exist.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
