Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
NEW YORK CITY — In a move that combines guerrilla marketing, regional passive aggression, and the majestic beauty of oversized sewer wildlife, New York City FC has launched a 700-pound inflatable pigeon into the Hudson River, confusing tourists, delighting Staten Island residents, and traumatizing at least one tugboat captain.
It's 104°F out there, and he's wearing a scarf! (newyorkcityfc/Instagram)
Nicknamed “The Five Borough Flight” because “Operation Sky Poop” had already been taken by the NYPD Blimp Division back in the late 1970s, the five-story inflatable bird is NYCFC’s tribute to the real heroes of the city: pigeons with mild head trauma and an attitude problem.
“We wanted to create something that captured the spirit of New York,” said club marketing VP Lauren Scrima. “Which meant it had to be uninvited, oversized, and slightly feral.”
The pigeon began its journey in Staten Island (because someone had to) and was reportedly seen nodding solemnly as it floated past Manhattan, saluting a halal cart and avoiding eye contact with Brooklyn. The bird then drifted menacingly past New Jersey, as if to say: we see you, and we’re disappointed.
More reliable than the Staten Island Ferry, with just as much pigeon poop. (CityLife.org)
“People see a pigeon and they think ‘rat with wings,’” said creative director Mike Perry of ad agency Tavern. “We saw a branding opportunity. And also, the AI we used to come up with this stunt probably hallucinated a little. Also, there was a lot of nitrous involved. Ok, I’m done answering questions, I’ve said too much already.”
The inflatable tribute is scheduled to eventually roost in Willets Point, home of the club’s upcoming stadium, Etihad Park, which is projected to open in 2027, or once the permits are approved by the Department of Zoning, a wizard, three aldermen, and a cursed sentient fax machine from 1997. So, after 2027, probably.
The FIFA Club World Cup, taking place just across the river in New Jersey, had no comment, though one FIFA official was heard muttering, “Americans are like this, yes?”
New Yorkers have responded with a mix of pride, confusion, and offers to fight the pigeon in a Dunkin’ parking lot. “It’s nice to finally see a New York sports mascot that represents what the rest of us look like after 3 am dollar-slice binges,” said lifelong Bronx resident Tony “Beans” Figaro.
About NYCFC: Founded in 2013 by people with too much money and zero chill, New York City FC is the only Major League Soccer club that plays within actual New York City. Their greatest achievements include winning the 2021 MLS Cup and once convincing a raccoon to wear a team scarf for three subway stops without biting anyone.
About Tavern: Tavern is a Brooklyn-based creative agency specializing in projects that make people say “oh cool” and “wait, why?” in equal measure. Their past work includes brand campaigns, visual storytelling, and one regrettable incident involving a 40-foot inflatable bodega cat. Tavern denies all wrongdoing.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
