Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
NASA has landed men on the moon, driven robots across Mars, and even lobbed probes around Saturn’s rings. But this week the agency revealed its greatest challenge yet: keeping astronauts alive on a diet that screams “divorced dad’s first grocery trip.”
Just like your local sushi place down the road. (NASA)
The photo, proudly posted to NASA’s Instagram, showcased “space sushi,” a term used very loosely here, like calling a can of Chef Boyardee “Italian fine dining.” Fans immediately compared it to fancy prison food, which is unfair to prisons since at least prisoners don’t have to chase their rice across the ceiling with a straw.
Astronaut chefs have limited ingredients to work with, true. Everything has to be vacuum-sealed, shelf-stable, and able to withstand the possible impact of a $200 billion research satellite slamming into the ISS during dinner. But NASA insists this doesn’t mean dinner has to be boring. “Our orbiting crew chows down on meals from around the world,” the agency boasted, pointing to examples like “space pizza” (tortillas, ketchup, and regret) and “shrimp cocktail” (one cracker and a single suspicious shrimp that looks like it might have either been tanning or purchased from Walmart).
The sushi itself was simple: a square of seaweed, a moist blob of rice, and what appeared to be either tuna or a small shingle from the ISS solar array. NASA helpfully explained that “surface tension” is what holds it together. Which is the most polite way possible of saying, “It’s gluey as hell, and we hope it doesn’t float into the air filter.”
To be fair, this does look more appetizing than what people are served at McDonald's… which isn't saying much. (NASA)
This isn’t NASA’s first culinary misadventure. Astronauts once attempted a cheeseburger consisting of “wheat snack” (two words that absolutely don’t belong together), a beef puck, and a layer of cheese spread that could double as Flex Seal. One astronaut gamely tweeted, “I miss cooking for my family.” Translation: “I’ve eaten wall putty for three days and I’m crying into Tang.”
Still, give the astronauts credit. They’re 260 miles above the nearest grocery store, can’t use knives because floating blades are generally frowned upon in orbit, and their microwave is probably older than Elon Musk. Sushi may not be their strong suit, but at least they remembered to take the desiccant packet out this time.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
