The deadly eastern brown snake should be avoided at all costs, and ideally not be brought to a crowded hospital where the goal is for people's health to get better, not worse. (Matt Clancy/Wikimedia Commons)
Disclaimer: While this article is based on hard medical facts, if the satire lasts for longer than 4 hours, you should contact your doctor.
Doctors and hospital officials in Queensland, Australia are urging people who have been bitten by a snake not to bring the reptile with them when they come in for treatment. “While this may seem extremely obvious,” one doctor said, “there’s no accounting for the dumb things people will do. Also, I know that when you’re in the bath, it’s tempting to toast bread there, but you should wait until you’re out of the bath and away from water.”
There have been incidents of people bringing deadly snakes to emergency rooms, perhaps thinking that identifying the snake will help with treatment. Hospital workers said that snakes can’t be identified by staff, and that tests can be done to determine if a bite is poisonous and what treatment is needed. “However,” one medical worker said, “those tests can be delayed if, you know, there’s a freaking deadly snake loose in the room, which can be a tad distracting to the people trying to do their jobs.”
“Call me crazy, but I have a rule that I don’t work when I know there’s a deadly snake in the room that isn’t well-secured and could get loose at any moment. Call it a quirk, but that’s my policy.”
– Queensland emergency room doctor
Hospital staff seemed fed up at a news conference to spread the word about this no-snakes-in-a-hospital policy. “To every moron… Sorry, let me start that sentence over,” said one doctor. “To every person out there who thinks it’s a good idea to bring a poisonous snake to a hospital, please don’t.” She then paused, lowered her head, and slowly walked away dejectedly from the podium.
“If you’re bitten,” said a hospital administrator, “don’t try to capture the snake and put it in a bag because – remember 30 seconds ago when that same snake bit you? That exact same thing is likely to happen again.” The administrator then turned his head and spoke to a co-worker next to him, thinking he was away from the microphone, and said, “Good gracious, some people are so dumb. Do we have a vaccine against stupidity? What? They can still hear me? Ah, who cares? Someone needs to tell them the truth.”
Snakes and other deadly, scary animals should not be brought to hospital buildings. Then again, don't bring them to any buildings, period. (Kenneth C. Zirkel/Wikimedia Commons)
If bitten by a snake, a person should remain calm, call for help and apply a pressure bandage to the area, experts say. And don’t forget that point about remaining calm; just because you’ve been traumatically bitten by a horrifying snake and potentially have deadly venom in your body, that’s no reason to panic or get upset.
“If a snake were to get loose in a hospital,” said another doctor at the press conference, “it would scare and alarm staff and delay treatment of patients. Although, it would make a great news story and sounds like the plot of a pretty good movie, to be honest. Definitely could see some good scares in that film, which I would dig because I’m a big horror movie fan.” Other doctors then gave the man dirty looks, and he stepped away from the microphone.
“Our age of the internet and phones and constantly looking at screens can cause some people to lose their grasp on reality. These people may be unable to separate fantasy worlds from the real world, which could affect common sense decision-making. On the other hand, some people are just dumb. So, there’s that.”
– Sociologist specializing in modern human behavior.
Doctors mentioned other hospital etiquette to be followed by patients, such as not asking a doctor or nurse to listen to your music demo, or to read a novel you’ve been working on. “We’re very busy, and it puts us in an awkward position,” one nurse said. “We definitely don’t mean it when we say that we would be glad to check it out, and that it’s ‘pretty good,’ and to ‘keep up the good work.’”
