Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
There are achievements that expand our understanding of what the human body can do. The four-minute mile. Free solo climbing. The competitive eating circuit, broadly. And then there is whatever John Stephenson did on a Friday afternoon in Halifax, which expanded what we believe the human body should never be asked to do under any circumstances.
On February 27, the 50-year-old kickboxer from Yorkshire achieved something no one in the United Kingdom had previously attempted, or wanted to, or discussed in any formal planning capacity: he pulled a two-tonne SEAT Leon 50 meters using only his testicles.
Not sure why he doesn't have bigger… crowds. (LincsOnline/Facebook)
A tow rope was attached to a silk scarf because, apparently, there are textile standards for something like this, and Stephenson then tied it around his testicles. The venue was West Bank in Halifax, a street where scenes from ITV’s Ackley Bridge were filmed, meaning the road has now hosted both a fictional comedy drama and something considerably harder to explain at a pitch meeting.
There was a scary moment early on when a slipknot in the tow rope came loose, causing Stephenson to jolt in a way that just made every man reading this cross his legs simultaneously. He recovered. He completed the pull. He then ate a bag of nuts, because if John Stephenson understands anything, it’s narrative structure.
“When I’d finished, my plums were bright purple, but I’m still firing on all cylinders,” Stephenson said afterward, delivering a medical update that no one had requested, but I had to read that, and now you do too. He added that he believed he could have gone further, but simply ran out of road, which is both an inspirational metaphor and the most alarming traffic-planning complaint Halifax has ever received.
The stunt, however, carried a genuinely serious message… No really. Stop laughing. I’ll start again.
The stunt, however, carried a genuinely serious message… I feel like you haven’t had enough time. I’ll wait.
The stunt, however, carried a genuinely serious message. Stephenson wanted to raise awareness for men’s mental health, operating on the theory that if a man tying his reproductive organs to a SEAT Leon and dragging it down a public street doesn’t start a conversation, the conversation was never going to happen. “Don’t be afraid to pick up the phone and ask for help,” he said. “A lot of men don’t. They feel like they’ve got an ego to maintain.” He paused, narratively. “Men who talk can heal.” It is, by any measure, an excellent point, delivered by a man whose scarf-to-testicle apparatus was still visible in the background.
Stephenson is not the first person globally to attempt genital vehicle towing. Chinese Qigong master Tu Jin-Sheng, known professionally as Iron Crotch, a nickname that presumably ended whatever other career path he was considering, has performed similar feats for years. Kung Fu master Ye Hongwei once pulled a five-tonne military helicopter with his penis, raising questions about Chinese military readiness that no one is brave enough to ask. But prior to Stephenson, there is no record of it having been done in the UK, making this officially Britain’s greatest contribution to civilization, alongside the Industrial Revolution and the queue.
The personal backdrop makes the whole thing stranger, but also more human. Stephenson recently discovered he had seven previously unknown siblings after his estranged father’s daughter, Colleen, sent him a Facebook message out of nowhere. Desperate for money to travel and meet his new family, he entered a bare-knuckle fight and used the winner’s purse to fund train fare. Fast forward months later, several of his newly discovered relatives turned out to cheer his testicular achievement, including newly discovered sister Sherrie, who watched a man she’d only recently learned existed drag a car with his genitals on a street in Halifax. “It was amazing,” she said. “Very bizarre. But we’re all really proud of him.”
Apparently, there is no Hallmark card for this specific situation, though there probably should be, given the number of life events that “It was amazing. Very bizarre. But we’re all really proud of him” could apply to, especially in Florida.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
