Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
It’s a common complaint among parents that their kids just don’t listen. They’re glued to their phones, texting each other “6-7” or looksmaxxing, whatever the hell that is. Remember the good old days, when families would gather around the dinner table and just talk about things, without the distraction of technology? Prego, the pasta sauce of choice when the store’s out of the good stuff, does remember, and they’ve got a solution. Spoiler alert: it involves technology and surveillance, which is always a great combination.
The company has announced the “Connection Keeper,” a collaboration with non-profit StoryCorps. What’s the Connection Keeper? It’s a surveillance device that will be available as part of a Prego bundle starting on April 27th. Once received, you’ll set the device at your dinner table, and, according to the site, demand that everyone put down their phones while they’re eating. In a perfect world, you and your kids will dutifully do that, preferably by eating pasta topped with Prego and possibly doing shots of the spaghetti sauce as well.
This family looks very happy to know their dinner will be preserved on the internet forever. (Campbells.com)
“Sit down with your loved ones,” the pitch says. “Place the Connection Keeper on the dinner table and press to record. No setup needed.” There actually will be some setup required, such as telling your family you’ve bought a device that’s going to record them while they eat. They’ll also probably want to take a picture of it so their friends make fun of it on social media, but you’ll already have told them to put away their phones while enjoying delicious Prego pasta sauce, which probably won’t create any animosity whatsoever.
If you and your family are going to eat a meal knowing you’re being recorded by a pasta sauce, you’ll probably be quieter than normal. No problem, says Prego, as the bundle will also come with Prego x StoryCorps “Great Questions Card Deck” to prompt some conversations. There weren’t any questions included on the site, but we’re assuming the biggest question asked will be “Why are you recording us and uploading it to the internet to preserve our family’s conversation?” Other questions we’d imagine are, “How is this piece of technology supposed to help cut down on the overuse of technology?” “Why are we having pasta again? This is the fourth time this week,” and “How come my real dad doesn’t make me put away my phone at dinner?”
The conversations will be sent to your StoryCorps app, where you can share them with others, or, as of May 4th, upload them to the StoryCorps archive. That way, that D you got in spelling, that time you told your parents you want to be a dinosaur when you grow up, and asking if daddy drinks too much because he’s a Mets fan will be preserved for all eternity. Luckily, if you want to create awkward dinner conversations that will last forever, but you aren’t the greatest chef, the bundle also comes with some recipes that use Prego, but you don’t have to buy a listening device to get them, as they’re available here.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
