Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
WASHINGTON, DC — The Pentagon summoned the Vatican’s ambassador to the United States in January and explained that America has the military power to do whatever it wants in the world, Protestant War Jesus is fully on board with this, and that the Catholic Church should get the f*** in line, bro.
Let's get ready to rumble! (m.iacobucci.tiscali.it/depositphotos)
One of the officials present brought up the Avignon Papacy, specifically a fourteenth-century episode in which French agents stormed Anagni and slapped Pope Boniface VIII hard enough that he reportedly went home and gnawed at himself until he died. This was offered as both a historical reference point and a thinly veiled metaphor.
The meeting was arranged after Defense/War Bro-Secretary Pete Hegseth and Under Bro-Secretary for Policy Elbridge Colby dissected Pope Leo XIV’s January State of the World address line by line and concluded that the phrase “diplomacy based on force” was, on reflection, a direct shot at them, which it most definitely was. Colby, whose official biography lists him as Catholic, declined to specify which portion of the Nicene Creed covers menacing the Bishop of Rome by reminding him that a carrier strike group could take out the Swiss Guard and all of Vatican City with just one well-placed Tomahawk missile.
An administration official later clarified that the reference to Avignon had not been a threat but a reminder, and that the distinction between a threat and a reminder is currently being worked out at the cabinet level.
The Vatican has since canceled the Pope’s planned U.S. visit, citing scheduling. The Pope apparently has to be in Lampedusa on July 4, which the American-born Pope is presumably aware is also America’s 250th birthday. Lampedusa is a rock between Tunisia and Sicily where North African migrants wash ashore by the thousands. Which means that on the day the United States turns two hundred and fifty, the first American-born pope will be standing on an island full of the people his home country has been sending there unwillingly. Those who know Robert Francis Prevost describe him as a deliberate man.
The White House called the account “highly exaggerated and distorted” and reaffirmed its highest regard for the Holy See, a regard which lately included historical analogies about slapping popes. Asked whether any part of a respectful discussion had contained the phrase “do whatever it wants in the world,” the Department of War referred reporters to its earlier statement. Asked whether any part of its earlier statement addressed the question, it again referred them to the earlier statement.
Historians note that the Avignon Papacy ran for about seventy years, that the Catholic Church emerged from it intact, and that the French monarchy emerged from it eventually as a severed head in a basket. The Department of War has not requested a follow-up briefing.
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