Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Niantic, the San Francisco company responsible for making millions of adults walk into traffic while staring at cartoon monsters, has quietly removed a PokéStop from Epstein Island. The decision came after players pointed out that “gotta catch ’em all” carries certain negative connotations when mentioned in connection to a known child sex trafficking operation.
Not the PokéStop you're going to want to advertise. (Tzido/depositphotos)
The PokéStop was positioned on an outdoor sundial on the private island. Niantic’s community guidelines require PokéStops to have “safe pedestrian access,” a phrase that on this particular island contains an unfortunate but accurate root word. Whoever submitted the location either misunderstood the guidelines or understood them in ways that would greatly interest federal prosecutors.
Reddit users had been aware of the stop for about a year, in the way Reddit users are aware of everything disturbing approximately 18 months before the mainstream press catches on. Interest surged after the DOJ began releasing Epstein files, a periodic reminder that the man who could have implicated numerous powerful figures managed to kill himself in a federal facility with the surveillance conveniently malfunctioning. Several users claim they spotted the PokéStop as early as 2021, though verifying this would require someone to admit they keep detailed records of Epstein Island’s virtual geography.
Location-spoofing players had been the primary discoverers of the stop. Spoofers fake their GPS to appear in places they aren’t physically present, which is a violation of Niantic’s terms of service but not a federal crime, making it among the least concerning activities associated with this particular island.
Interestingly, emails from the recently released Epstein files show the deceased financier was aware of Pokémon Go at launch. Epstein also corresponded with spiritual guru Deepak Chopra about the game, suggesting Chopra develop an app allowing users to “detect an aura about each other.” Such an app “would kill [the] market,” Epstein wrote, urging Chopra to “imagine” the possibilities, adding “wow.” The aura-detection app was never developed, though given Epstein’s demonstrated ability to surround himself with people who possessed Hitler-caliber moral auras, it’s not clear whether Epstein’s target demographic would have found the technology useful, terrifying, or validating.
None of this proves Epstein played Pokémon Go on his island, or that anyone associated with his operation did. However, as several observers have noted, the game tracks users’ physical locations when they catch creatures, collect items, or send gifts to other players. Which means somewhere on Niantic’s servers or someone’s iCloud backup sits a record of a Pidgey caught at coordinates that would now require explanation to a federal prosecutor. Discovery would be straightforward. The explanation would not be.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
