Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Police in Ingram Borough, PA, say they’re investigating after an 8-year-old returned from trick-or-treating with a small bag of white powder, a discovery that has reignited both Halloween safety moral panic and several old family grudges.
Let's keep Halloween all about the mouth candy, rather than the nose variety. (Charles Parker/pexels)
The child’s grandmother reported finding the bag while sorting through the candy “for razor blades, peanuts, or anything that looked like something her deadbeat son might have bought last week.”
According to police, the powder tested positive for a cocaine derivative, marking the first time in borough history that “fun-size” has appeared in an evidence report.
“This is not the kind of thing you see every Halloween, not at this price point anyhow,” said Police Chief Jack Doherty. “Though to be fair, 2025 was the biggest turnout we’ve ever had. People were up way past midnight, some were even vibrating.”
Resident Shelley Johnson said she didn’t think it was intentional, “unless someone was handing out samples. Which house did you say it was again? Asking for a friend.” Other neighbors expressed sympathy, though several checked their own porches in case the mistake was contagious.
Police described the substance as being in a small knotted bag, a detail family members have asked reporters to please stop mentioning.
“We don’t know where it came from,” Doherty admitted. “Though statistically, most cocaine in America originates somewhere between the coffee table and the washer-dryer lint trap.”
Despite the incident, officials assured parents that trick-or-treating remains safe. “I wouldn’t be overly concerned,” Doherty said. “Just check your kid’s candy, your couch cushions, and make a note of whoever left the room really fast when this story hit the news cycle.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
