Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
At approximately 3 a.m. on Sunday, Florida troopers encountered what can only be described as an impromptu Fast & Furious reboot, starring a Toyota Camry with the personality of a rental car and a motorcyclist with the impulse control of a toddler in a Red Bull factory. The pair reportedly launched from a red light like two dads fighting over the last Yeti cooler at a Bass Pro Shop.
Getting to that bathroom, stat! ([email protected]/depositphotos)
Radar guns clocked the Camry at 124 mph and the motorcycle at a reported 140 mph. Troopers lost sight of the bike, which has since achieved mythical status in Cape Coral. Witnesses last saw it near Veterans Parkway. NASA now lists it as “low-Earth orbit debris.”
The Camry, however, did not achieve escape velocity. Officers stopped it near Country Club Boulevard and discovered a 24-year-old driver, David Stone, and his female passenger. When asked why he was cosplaying as Dale Earnhardt Jr. at three in the morning, Stone simply replied that he “had to use the bathroom.” It was unclear if he meant #1, #2, or Florida’s new category, #Florida. Troopers were skeptical, noting he had passed no fewer than eight gas stations, four fast-food restaurants, and at least one Waffle House with a famously sketchy restroom.
Further investigation revealed Stone did not have a driver’s license, which officers pointed out was “red flag number one.” “Red flag number two,” Lt. Greg Bueno explained, “is that someone was willingly driving a Camry that fast.” He then proceeded to make a “number two” pun, which was terrible.
Stone was arrested on charges including excessive speed, illegal racing, and driving under the influence of Florida. His car was impounded for 30 days. Florida DMV has since added him as an unlockable character in “Grand Theft Auto: Cape Coral.”
(Odd News)
The motorcycle rider remains at large. Police say once caught, the biker will face charges. Until then, they recommend residents avoid trying to high-five him as he passes at supersonic speed. Meanwhile, Florida has filed to officially designate him as a new state cryptid.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
