Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
As an actor, one of the most important things you can do is to secure a deal with a top talent agency. All the charisma and hustle in the world don’t mean anything if you don’t have an agent working to get you seen in films and TV. Until then, you can keep working as a bartender at a restaurant while trying to get your foot in the door. Another restaurant staple has just gotten a deal with United Talent Agency, leapfrogging over many other hopefuls. It won’t even have any speaking roles. That’s because the hot new signing is a cheese: Parmigiano Reggiano.
You're wheel-y going to be seeing a lot more of this in your favorite shows and movies. (Parmigiano Reggiano Consortium)
The Parmigiano Reggiano Consortium (aka the cheese mafia) announced the union in a press release that might be as cheesy as their product. It states that they’ve chosen UTA to “leverage its expertise and global connectivity across entertainment and culture to introduce Parmigiano Reggiano to a wide pool of partners, to further its message of gastronomical excellence and high quality ingredients, production and distribution.”
So get ready for a lot of product placement, where instead of meeting at a baseball game, a couple unite following a spirited argument over who gets the last wheel of Parmigiano Reggiano in a grocery store. Or perhaps a crime drama where the killer leaves a hunk of cheese next to the bodies. Or an action movie leading up to a big battle at a cheese factory in Parma, Italy. This is a global deal, so you can also expect to see a lot more Parmigiano Reggiano sprinkled onto your favorite TV shows and films, even the arty subtitled ones.
Coming Soon – Cacio e Pepe, a spaghetti western. (Zerohund~commonswiki/Creative Commons)
Parmigiano Reggiano is like champagne in that it’s named after the two areas in which it’s produced, and if it’s not, then you just have boring old regular cheese. We could tell you more about it, but you’ll probably find out in a movie, where a character stops what he’s doing to mention to his co-star that the name Parmigiano is legally protected in the European Union. Or on TV, when a woman tells a doctor her son is 12 months old, and he says, “Did you know that all Parmigiano Reggiano is also aged at least 12 months?” Or maybe the next season of The Studio will involve Continental Studios having to make a movie about the cheese. The possibilities are endless, but will continue on unless United Talent Agency fires them and cuts the cheese.
And while this deal only covers Parmagiano Reggiano, we’re sure that other cheeses might want to get their own IP, so other varieties’ spokespeople are probably reaching out to the big cheese at competing talent agencies to land their own deals. Here are a few suggestions for titles that could become reality:
- As Gouda As It Gets
- Camambert The Titans
- The Kraft
- The Big Cheesy
- Stand By Brie
- Muensters, Inc.
- New Monterey Jack City
- Home Provalone
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
