Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In a bold new chapter of global diplomacy-slash-bowel management, Russian President Vladimir Putin is traveling to Alaska for high-stakes peace talks with Donald Trump. He is accompanied by three elite bodyguards, each carrying an official suitcase: one for use as a shield in case of attack, one is the nuclear football, and one for Putin’s poop.
"Why everyone want to steal my poop?" (vverve/depositphotos)
Yes, Putin really does travel with a “poo suitcase.” It’s like James Bond, if James Bond were deeply afraid someone might analyze his colon and discover state secrets. And also if James Bond had IBS.
Official Kremlin policy mandates the safe return of all Putin-produced waste to Russian soil, for reasons that include but are not limited to: national security, weird science, and the fear that American doctors might study it and declare “Yep, that man definitely eats endangered owls.”
Me??? (alonesdj/depositphotos)
The practice was first noticed during a 2017 trip to Paris when palace janitors were startled to find the Russian president’s bathroom contained a private toilet, a backup toilet, and a human chain guarding both like they were protecting the Ark of the Covenant from poop-raiders.
But that’s not the only suitcase. Putin also totes the Cheget – the nuclear briefcase with direct launch capabilities. A third suitcase, used as a tactical bulletproof shield, rounds out the collection. And now, insiders reveal a fourth suitcase exists, filled entirely with artisanal hand sanitizer and Putin’s preferred brand of individually wrapped breath mints. No one has yet dared to ask why. But the most likely answer is deeply horrifying:
The suitcases have been mixed up before.
In 2022, a diplomatic meeting in Kazakhstan was interrupted when Putin tried to launch a preemptive strategic fart but accidentally activated the nuclear launch sequence. Luckily, the launch was averted when an aide screamed “That’s the poop one!” and slapped the briefcase closed.
Nuclear armageddon or something worse – the choice is yours. (AndreyPopov/depositphotos)
Later that year in Riyadh, Putin’s bodyguard attempted to use his bulletproof briefcase to block a paparazzi’s camera, only to realize mid-thrust that he was wielding a duffel of his own day-old dookie. The camera got the shot. So did the guard’s dry cleaner.
According to sources (definitely not people we made up), Putin’s ultimate plan for the summit is even stranger. He hopes to trick Trump into accidentally pooping himself during the summit, an increasingly low bar, sources say, and then smuggle the results back to Moscow. There, using the same Cold War poop-analysis lab once used by Stalin to study Mao’s movements (literal and political), Russian scientists will create Poo-Trump, a genetically engineered clone who will be Trump’s opposite in every way: literate, vegan, and completely uninterested in his own daughter.
“Russia already successfully cloned Poo Boris Johnson and replaced the real Boris Johnson,” one Kremlin insider confirmed. “It’s just that no one could tell.”
The early stages of creating Poop Boris Johnson started with his mouth, as that was where most of the s*** came from. (junek.jakub/depositphotos)
International leaders remain on high alert. “We’re not worried about Putin having a nuke,” said one anonymous NATO official. “We’re worried he has a turd and a dream.”
The peace talks begin Friday in Alaska. The world waits, breath held. Possibly out of fear. Possibly because the poop suitcase was unzipped. Either way, the stakes have never been higher.
Or stinkier.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
