Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
The Russian government has committed $26 billion to a national program devoted to keeping Vladimir Putin alive indefinitely, an initiative so dumb that it makes the war with Ukraine look reasonable by comparison. Unveiled in 2024, the program pursues immortality through organs harvested from miniature pigs and a cryotherapy chamber probably powered by coal, just like Russia’s sole nuclear aircraft carrier.
The classic fable, "The Three Little Putins." (weerapat/depositphotos)
Central to the effort are the mini-pigs, a breed Russian scientists have declared genetically compatible with humans and therefore suitable for growing replacement organs. The pigs were not asked for their consent to be experimented on, just like everyone else in Russia. Officials say swine-grown human organs will be ready by the decade’s end, but have declined to address what happens should a recipient develop a sudden aversion to the phrase “long pig.”
During a 2018 Kremlin meeting, Putin urged the Austrian chancellor to try a chamber that chills the body to roughly 170 degrees below zero, which sounds very much like a death trap instead of physical therapy. The procedure consists of standing naked in the cold and waiting, an experience otherwise indistinguishable from a Russian winter except that this version costs $26 billion.
The research is overseen by two figures close to Putin: his daughter Maria Vorontsova, an endocrinologist who runs state genetics programs, and physicist Mikhail Kovalchuk, head of the Kurchatov Institute and brother of one of Putin’s closest allies. The arrangement keeps the secret of eternal life inside the family and a small ring of trusted associates, which is also how Russia administers its budget process, the press, and elections.
Russian longevity science has produced little peer-reviewed work in serious international journals, a shortfall officials attribute to Western bias rather than to the absence of any results to review, but if this bet ever shows up on Polymarket, you should go with the latter.
The program promises to save 175,000 lives by 2030, a number Russia could also reach by halting the war in Ukraine, an approach rejected on the grounds that it involves no mini-pigs.
Reality clearly skipped its morning coffee again. Catch more of its questionable decisions at OddNews.com.
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