Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
This guy didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turtlin'. (Theroadfiles/Creative Commons)
Everyone remembers the fable about the tortoise and the hare. After getting hammered at a bar, the two challenge each other to a duel (we may be embellishing things a bit here). Then, after realizing that they couldn’t hold weapons, they settled on a foot race. The rabbit gets all cocky because he’s naturally faster than the tortoise, but slow and steady wins the race, and the turtle ultimately comes in first, causing outrage in the hare community. It turns out that maybe he won because he had a fire lit under his ass, although we’re not even sure he owned a donkey, so perhaps not. This preamble is all to say that recently, a London tortoise and his friend were rescued after he set an apartment on fire.
This happened in the South London borough of Mitcham, where a fire brigade was called to a flat (as they say). The fire department made it to the apartment (as we say) and found a small fire in one room. The firefighters discovered that not only was there a tortoise in the apartment, but also a dog, which was hiding under the stairs. After extinguishing the blaze, the brigade rescued the animals and discovered the cause of the blaze: it had been set by the tortoise. The little guy, whom the brigade deemed a “naughty tortoise,” had knocked over his heat lamp, which fell onto some hay in his aquarium, starting the fire, which took a half hour to fully extinguish.
(Prodigy voice) "I'm a firestarter, tortoise firestarter…" (london-fire.gov.uk.)
The tortoise was unapologetic when contacted by Odd News. “Why does it even matter?” he asked. “I’ve got insurance, so the whole aquarium is covered. I was going to get Geico because that gecko guy and I are pals from back in the day, but it turns out that company doesn’t exist in the UK. At any rate, I was just trying to get a rise out of the dog. I knew he’d hide under the stairs. The guy’s afraid of his own shadow. Now I’m famous, and hopefully I can be the spokes-animal for some other insurance company.”
For their part, the London Fire Brigade tried to make this a teaching moment, stating, “It is really important that heat lamps are secured properly to prevent them from being accidentally knocked over. They are usually positioned near hay or sawdust, which are both highly flammable materials. When they are not in use, make sure they are switched off to avoid overheating.” The only thing we learned is that we’d rather have a dog than a tortoise as a pet. They don’t require heat lamps and seem to start significantly fewer fires, although the sample size is limited to this story, so your results may vary.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
