Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Snakes On A Plane wasn’t based on a true story, but it might as well have been. Since the dawn of time, those slithery bastards have been showing up just about everywhere they’re not supposed to.
We know what his favorite Harry Potter house is… (it's Hufflepuff!) (CoventryPD/facebook)
From the Garden of Eden to Woody’s boot, they seem to just be on a tear these days. Hell, we’ve even written about wayward snakes here before. As far as pets go, you can’t teach them “stay” because if you take your eyes off them for a second, they’ll wind up somewhere weird, like your pants, for instance. And they haven’t learned their lesson since: in the past week alone, pythons have wound up at a fire training academy, and terrorizing a New England town.
We’ll start with the big story, and by big, we mean a nine-foot Burmese python. Coventry, CT, is pretty damn far from Burma, especially since it’s called Myanmar now. And while plenty of other snakes are indigenous to the state, gigantic pythons, it turns out, are not. It’s also an albino python, which made it stand out even more. What’s a nine-foot snake going to do to blend in with the scenery? It turns out absolutely nothing, because it’s hard to blend into anything when you’re nine feet long. Also, if you can relatively easily coil yourself around a human just for fun, you might not make new friends.
Luckily for the residents of Coventry and not so much for the python, police were able to capture it safely and lock it up behind bars, but it keeps slithering through them, because we’re assuming their jail is like an old-timey western one. Authorities think that it was a pet that either escaped or was abandoned. If you abandoned your nine-foot pal, then perhaps you’re a bad person. If it escaped and you’re looking for it, somehow it wound up in Connecticut.
Another python has had it with snake life and wants to be a fireman. This one has a name, however. “Pete the python,” as he’s been named, was found inside the Washington, D.C., Fire Training Academy. There are a lot of snakes in our nation’s capital, but most of them are in Congress and have no desire to be firefighters. Pete, however, was different. Being a ball python, he was unable to operate a hose or drive a fire truck, but probably had no problem making it down the pole. Nevertheless, Pete didn’t meet the recruitment standards, per the Academy, and is now at animal control.
A whole lotta snakin' going on. (dcfireems/x)
Which is a bummer for Pete. There are tons of Dalmatians hanging around firehouses. Why wouldn’t one adopt a python? Perhaps because it might try to strangle the Dalmatian to prove its animal supremacy? But on the whole, we think that generally, Pete the python has got what it snakes to be a mascot, and perhaps the Fire Training Academy might want to reconsider.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
