COLUMBIA, SC — Scientists at the Savannah River Site (SRS), a former nuclear bomb parts factory turned radioactive retirement community for sludge, have discovered a wasp nest teeming with enough radiation to potentially reboot the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe.
If you don't think this guy is radioactive, then… good luck! (elvis_dead)
The nest was found near a tank of liquid nuclear waste, which scientists assure us is “totally fine” and “not leaking, we swear.” It was detected by radiation monitors who were already having a slow day and thought, “Either that’s a wasp nest or Craig microwaved fish in the breakroom again.”
Radiation levels in the nest were reported to be ten times the legal limit, which in South Carolina translates to “perfectly safe for non-white people.” No wasps were found inside, suggesting the insects either vacated the premises or now exist in a higher plane of radioactive wasp godhood.
Officials quickly neutralized the threat using the most advanced technology known to government agencies: a can of Raid and a really long stick. The glowing husk was then lovingly escorted to the radioactive waste bin, right next to Steve from accounting’s lunch.
A government watchdog group, possibly made up of former X-Files interns, criticized the site’s report for being vague and not explaining where the radioactive wasp building materials came from. “There could be more nests!” one panicked environmentalist shouted while frantically swatting at regular wasps, a behavior known scientifically as “The Southern Shuffle.”
Completely harmless… (anxunbin/depositphotos)
The Department of Energy insists this is “legacy contamination,” which is their term for “we forgot to clean up all the murder juice from the Cold War.” The good news? There’s no current leak. The bad news? There are 34 million gallons of leftover radioactive cocktail marinade spread out across 43 underground tanks, or as they call it internally, “Tuesday.”
The Savannah River Site was originally opened in the 1950s to manufacture plutonium pits, not to be confused with the artisanal, small-batch, non-GMO pits now favored by Brooklyn bombsmiths. Today, the site focuses on cleaning up its toxic past, one glowing hornet condo at a time.
When asked how the nest could have become so radioactive, experts suggested the wasps may have been using contaminated materials, such as Cold War leftovers or discarded copies of “Duck and Cover” training manuals. Others believe the wasps may have simply licked something they shouldn’t have, which is coincidentally also how most humans get into trouble at Burning Man.
In conclusion, federal authorities would like to assure the public there is no immediate danger. Unless, of course, the wasps return. Then all bets are off and it’s flamethrowers at dawn.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
