Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In the rolling hills of Oregon cattle country, where the only thing more endangered than gray wolves is a gas station burrito that doesn’t legally qualify as a hate crime, the USDA has finally cracked the code on predator control: make wolves experience painful human divorce in surround sound.
Using drones outfitted with thermal cameras, speakers, and what appears to be a highly curated Criterion Collection playlist, federal agents have been broadcasting the Adam Driver-Scarlett Johansson screaming match from Marriage Story to terrify wolves off ranches. Because nothing says “apex predator” like running away from a man yelling, “EVERY DAY I WAKE UP AND I HOPE YOU’RE DEAD.”
"Stop shouting at me, you'll wake up the wolves!" ( © Netflix)
“We need wolves to understand humans are a deeply unstable species,” said one USDA agent, who reportedly conducted his interview while wearing a Midsommar flower crown and crying into a bottle of Merlot.
The program, known internally as “Operation Kramer vs. K9,” combines drama, heavy metal, and emotionally unavailable parents into one potent cocktail of canid deterrence. Other audio weapons include fireworks, gunshots, and AC/DC’s Thunderstruck, because wolves apparently stopped being scary around the same time Axe body spray got popular. Whenever the hell that was.
Early results are promising. After 11 cows were eaten in under three weeks, a rate that led some to believe Joey Chestnut might be in the area, the drones started patrolling. In the following 85 days, only two cows got chomped. Those cows were reportedly “super annoying,” according to sources.
Animal rights activists have questioned the ethics of emotionally manipulating wolves with Noah Baumbach’s entire filmography, while others worry that exposing predators to prestige drama might turn them into coastal liberals. “We caught one wolf chain-smoking clove cigarettes and arguing about French New Wave cinema,” said one concerned rancher. “Another one just wouldn’t shut up about being poly.”
"I'm telling you, Rex, once you've seen it in 4K WITH the director's commentary, there's just no going back." (michanolimit/depositphotos)
Meanwhile, Hollywood insiders are concerned about the licensing rights to weaponized Oscar-bait. “If they use Revolutionary Road next, we’re talking full-on predator PTSD,” warned a studio exec, adding that if Blue Valentine gets deployed, the wolves may just start filing their own restraining orders.
In conclusion, America’s new apex predator deterrent is emotionally volatile white people screaming at each other. Or as Florida calls it, foreplay.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
