Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Russian lawmakers have passed a bill instructing trained bank employees to shoot down Ukrainian drones, the subtext being that the government can’t afford the resources to defend banks, or anyone else in Russia at this point, from a war they started but cannot finish.
Russia’s economy is now defended by whichever teller drew the shortest straw. (Vicdemi/depositphotos)
Under the plan, banks across Russia would install electronic jamming systems and designate certain staff to fire on incoming unmanned aircraft. The banks would pay for the equipment themselves, producing an arrangement in which the state supplies the war and the private sector supplies the air defense. And the financing. And presumably the funeral leave.
“Jamming will be used to make it more difficult for them to target and attack the relevant targets,” said Anatoly Aksakov, chairman of the Duma Committee on Financial Markets. “Plus, we’ll also use means to shoot down these drones, thereby protecting the relevant targets.” Aksakov, whose committee oversees financial markets rather than surface-to-air engagements, did not specify which targets are relevant, how a branch manager acquires a firing solution, or what becomes of the customer at window three.
The bill arrives thin on detail, the thinnest being the mechanism by which bank employees transition into becoming air-defense operators. Installing the hardware nationwide and training the staff to run it would demand an organizational effort of the kind Russia typically reserves for projects that do not, in the end, work. The law leaves the choice of gunners to each institution, which puts the question of who fires what at incoming drone waves up to the same HR branch office that also approves vacation leave.
The bill permits employees to jam or destroy aerial, underwater, and ground drones threatening their branch without waiting for the security services, making Russia’s bankers among the few people on Earth outside of Florida cleared to open fire before asking. No word on whether they are required to shout “it’s coming right for us” first.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
