Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
MOSCOW — A Russian neurotechnology company has announced that it can now remote-control pigeons via surgically implanted brain electrodes, a development that raises several questions, chief among them: who approved the grant application, and did they read it all the way through?
The name's Pigeon. James Pigeon. (Neiry/e2w news)
Neiry, the Moscow-based firm behind the project, claims its “bio-drones” can fly up to 400 kilometers per day without rest, navigate areas restricted to traditional drones, and transmit live video via chest-mounted cameras. Company founder Alexander Panov said different species may be used depending on mission requirements, noting that ravens are being evaluated for “heavier payloads,” which is a term that historically precedes the phrase “we deeply regret the civilian casualties.”
The pigeons are controlled through electrodes implanted in their brains, which stimulate specific regions to make them turn left or right. Panov insists the technology is intended for peaceful purposes such as search and rescue operations and infrastructure monitoring, a claim the company issued in a formal statement while Russia simultaneously guards its Black Sea naval base with dolphins trained to carry lethal explosives and probably head-mounted laser beams as well.
Independent verification of Neiry’s claims has not occurred, which puts their research in the same epistemic category as most technologies announced from Moscow this century. However, the company has received approximately one billion rubles (about $13 million) in funding. One Russian neurologist said the investment represents funding “on a scale Russian neuroscience has never seen,” though this may say more about previous funding levels than current ones.
The bio-drone project, codenamed PJN-1, continues a long tradition of governments attempting to conscript animals into espionage. During the Cold War, the CIA surgically implanted a microphone in a cat’s ear and a radio transmitter in its skull, hoping to create a mobile listening device. The cat walked out of the building, crossed the street, and was immediately hit by a taxi. Project Acoustic Kitty abruptly ended that day.
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