Satirical opinion by Drew Curtis, Odd News.
Welcome to scenic Rostov-on-Don, where the summer breeze carries the sounds of war cries, simulated gunfire, and squeals of children being yelled at by men who already lost once in Ukraine. Here, nestled along the picturesque River Don, lies Russia’s answer to summer enrichment programs: “Camp Explodov,” where you send your kids to return slightly more combat-ready and significantly less innocent.
Modern warfare at its finest. And youngest. (eevl/depositphotos)
While most nations spend summer camp teaching kids how to whittle, canoe, or maybe roast a marshmallow preferably without igniting the entire forest, Russia has chosen a more direct approach: turn little Ivan into a pint-sized paratrooper.
“Grenade day is the best day,” says 8-year-old Ivan Glushchenko, who now insists on being addressed as “Comrade Commander Boom-Boom.” His favorite activities include throwing hand grenades, firing blanks, and crawling through more sand than the entire Normandy invasion.
Children as young as 8 and as old as “just got a learner’s permit” are herded into military drills run by veterans of the ongoing “don’t-call-it-a-war” in Ukraine. The instructors, sporting uniforms that haven’t been washed since Crimea 1894, spend the day yelling, “Faster, tovarishch! The Motherland isn’t going to glorify itself!”
Supervising the whole affair are Russian veterans who are well-versed in the art of failure. Instead of teaching modern 21st-century drone tactics, they’re showing the kids how to form a square with 19th-century muskets, just in case Napoleon attacks again. By the end of the week, kids are fully trained in both bayonet charges and standing in line for bread.
Is it Grenade Day today? (Free2014/depositphotos)
When asked about his future, one 14-year-old named Anton said, “I want to serve my country and be loyal to my cause until the very end,” which he then clarified meant, “the end of Minecraft,” but in reality, for him, it will probably be before next Thursday if he sees combat.
Among the exercises: a “route march” along the Don involving low crawls through freezing water while gripping rifles, a few real, some rubber, but most of the rest made entirely of toilet paper rolls and horse-based glue.
Critics have raised concerns about the ethics of such training, especially when the kids are issued dog tags before they’re issued multiplication tables. But the Kremlin insists it’s all part of Russia’s bold new plan called “Why wait until 18 to ruin their lives?”
Meanwhile, NATO has responded with its own camp for children, featuring workshops in drone warfare, diplomacy simulations, and how to spot fake Russian Facebook groups.
One unnamed American general summed it up best: “I can’t tell if this is child abuse, or just Russia.”
