Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
A one-eyed beaver rescued from spring flooding in Upstate New York has become a licensed educational ambassador, drawing admirers from as far as the Netherlands, Australia, and a statistically significant number of men who did not read past the headline.
Alexis with her one-eyed beaver. (wildforlife.alexis/instagram)
Alexis Broz-LaRoche, a wildlife rehabilitator in Saratoga Springs, took the call in May 2024, assuming it was another woodchuck. “Every time we get a call about a baby beaver, it’s always a woodchuck,” she said, in a sentence her nonprofit’s press materials have since been obligated to clarify is in no way a euphemism for anything. Upon arrival, she found an actual newborn beaver, umbilical cord still attached, and named her Bo.
Rehabilitation proceeded normally until a second kit, Arrow, introduced a beaver-specific pox that produced health issues. Arrow recovered fully. Bo, however, lost an eye. Upon returning to the enclosure she was immediately attacked by Arrow, a territorial behavior Broz-LaRoche described as “common among female beavers,” and this reporter elected not to press further.
Last summer, Broz-LaRoche married her husband Eric beneath an arch of woven beaver sticks, beside Bo’s pond. The vows, by all accounts, were exchanged without a single pause for composure. Her husband, reached for comment, said only that he had known what he was signing up for and had signed up for it anyway.
The happy throuple. (wildforlife.alexis/instagram)
Bo now visits libraries, nature centers, and elementary schools as part of a program Broz-LaRoche calls “beaver mythbusting.” Children are taught that beavers stabilize water tables, reduce flash flooding, suppress wildfires, and generate life wherever they go. Parents are taught to look at the floor. And everyone is warned about the pitfalls of using Google for further research.
Under state and federal regulations, non-releasable wildlife lacking the proper educational permits must be euthanized. Bo’s paperwork came through. She is, by the strict letter of New York law, the only beaver in the county currently certified to be handled without consequence.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
