Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
After centuries of tiptoeing around the obvious jokes, the astronomy community has finally broken. “It’s a proud ice giant, tilted at 98 degrees, with a fascinating magnetosphere,” they insisted. And the public responded: “Haha, it’s a butt.”
A beautiful full-sized view of Uranus. (NASA/JPL-Caltech)
So, after years of battling against the inevitable, the scientific community has finally surrendered. “If you can’t beat ‘em, bend over,” said a giggling Dr. Maryame El Moutamid, who also recently announced that the James Webb Space Telescope has discovered Uranus’ newest moon, provisionally named S/2025 U 1 but already nicknamed “The Dingleberry” in scientific Slack channels. “Plumbing the depths of Uranus, as it were,” they said with a wink.
The moon was detected in 10 long exposures from JWST’s Near-Infrared Camera, finally proving that yes, with the right camera and enough effort, you can indeed expose the tiniest thing hiding deep within Uranus.
This six-mile-wide pebble brings Uranus’ moon count up to 29, making Uranus officially the most overachieving butt in the Solar System. Voyager 2 somehow missed it during its flyby in 1986, though to be fair, Voyager had a lot on its plate at the time. “We were distracted by Uranus’ rings,” explained one retired NASA engineer. “It was the 80s. Everyone was distracted by rings. Around Uranus. Get it? How am I doing? I’m new at this joke stuff.”
The newly spotted rock orbits between Ophelia and Bianca, both Shakespearean characters, continuing the tradition that all of Uranus’ moons must sound like they’re either tragic heroines or Bond girls. The naming committee is currently desperately flipping through Shakespeare’s lesser-known plays, trying to find a name that fits “best Uranus pun” now that the kid gloves are off. Suggestions for the new name include “Titus Andronicus,” “Sir Fartsalot,” and the current frontrunner, “Bottom.”
This is the sort of equipment you need to really penetrate Uranus. (NASA)
Still, the Webb telescope has done what no human ever could: stared long and hard into Uranus until something small popped out. Took long exposures. Really got in there. Astronomers now predict that additional moons will be discovered in the future, which means Uranus will only get more crowded.
As for Voyager, it remains the only spacecraft to have ever actually visited Uranus. When asked if they’d ever go back, NASA spokespeople sighed and muttered, “What, is it your birthday again?”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
