Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
For five centuries, Leonardo da Vinci has been remembered as a painter, inventor, scientist, and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. But now, scientists are digging up the bones of his relatives, dusting them off, and saying “enhance” until they hopefully are able to print out his DNA on the longest piece of paper known to mankind: a CVS receipt.
Leonardo, the ninjutsu master. (myper/depositphotos)
The international effort, known as the Leonardo da Vinci DNA Project (or as Italy calls it, “Il Da Vinci Codice: Grossa Scienza Edition”), hopes to reconstruct the most literal Renaissance man’s DNA using a combination of 21 generations of genealogical research, anthropology, and whatever you call the science where people wear puffy gloves and repeatedly yell “eureka” over finding bone dust.
The project has already tested 15 men descended from Leonardo’s dad and his lesser-known half-brother, “Domenico, the One Who Did Accounting”, and has confirmed the existence of the Da Vinci family trait that bestows the inability to finish projects.
Archaeologists also raided a Da Vinci family tomb in Vinci’s Church of Santa Croce. Inside, they found bones, dusty coffins, and reportedly Time In A Bottle. Early radiocarbon dating confirmed one specimen was male, which narrows him down to being approximately “a dude born in Tuscany before 1600.”
But the real kicker: researchers claim to have uncovered a drawing of a dragon chimera by Leonardo himself, complete with wings, claws, and a flaming tongue, the whole Hot Topic starter pack. Historians are excited because it matches Leonardo’s early studies of flight. The rest of us are excited because Leonardo appears to have also invented Pokémon. Researchers have dubbed it the “Unicorn Dragon,” which, coincidentally, is also what Dan Brown is calling his next novel.
Speaking of Dan Brown, experts warn that while this project may unlock insights into Leonardo’s creativity, there’s also a non-zero chance it opens a dimensional rift, after which Tom Hanks shows up with a mullet and a symbology degree from ITT Tech, offering to unlock the true location of Nicolas Cage. Which is a question literally no one wants to know the answer to currently.
A waxwork or the real Nic? It's literally impossible to tell. (prescott10/depositphotos)
Back in the lab, scientists are now whispering sweet nothings to centuries-old femurs and praying for enough preserved DNA to reassemble Leonardo pixel by pixel, Jurassic Park style. “We spared no expense,” said one researcher, possibly while being eaten by a Velociraphaelite. If successful, this endeavor could allow future historians to say, with confidence, “Yes, Todd is Leonardo’s great-great-great nephew, who also makes erotic candles in Naples.”
Meanwhile, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have released a statement welcoming their “ancestor.” Reportedly, Michelangelo remains salty that his family tree only branches into sewer pizza.
Cowabunga, dude.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
