Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
The Pacific Northwest may be sitting on top of a geological death trap, otherwise known as the Cascadia Subduction Zone, which scientists say could unleash a “mega tsunami”. How big is big? Try 1,000 feet of angry ocean, which is basically God cosplaying as Poseidon while shouting “YOLO.”
It would be like this wave, only much, much bigger. So not really like this wave at all. (EpicStockMedia/depositphotos)
Researchers insist there’s a 15% chance of a magnitude 8 or higher quake in the next 50 years. In other words, just enough probability to ruin your sleep but not enough to justify moving to Kansas. Though Kansas has tornadoes, giant bugs, and… well, Kansas.
The last time this fault line threw a tantrum was in 1700, when a 9.0 quake popped off. Which is so long ago that your ancestors were still spelling “publick” with a ‘k’ and drinking mercury for headaches.
Still, scientists insist this isn’t just fearmongering, even though it absolutely feels like fearmongering. Officials tried to bring this concern to the Trump administration, but that failed immediately. Sources say Trump dismissed it after confusing “tsunami” with sushi: “Raw fish wave? Disgusting. No, thank you.” He later told aides that if Seattle sank, “at least Jeff Bezos would finally have to deliver underwater.”
And while FEMA estimates thousands dead, scientists weirdly say the tsunami is “better if it comes sooner.” Which is a nice way of saying, “Hey, you’re screwed now, but boy are your grandkids really gonna get it.”
Meanwhile, locals are left with difficult choices:
– Do they upgrade earthquake insurance?
– Do they practice surfing a thousand-foot wall of death?
– Or do they just keep drinking craft IPAs and hope the wave gets too distracted by Portland’s weird donut shops to actually hit?
In the end, the real question isn’t whether a mega tsunami will kill millions—it’s whether FEMA’s official plan of “duck and cover, then scream” holds up under peer review.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
